All Is Fair In Love and War

Chapter 10: Learning to Love Myself

Quote:

"If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"

- Rupaul

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As I saw Jeremy walk away, I stood frozen. My stomach dropped as I heard his words and I kept on repeating them in my mind. “I’ll be back for you, Kay!”

I knew that he would act on his plans sooner or later. Fear consumed me and my body starting trembling, most likely also catalyzed by the cold weather and rain.

Bryce pulled me closer to him and lifted me up, carrying me bridal style. I leaned my head to his chest, laying it there before looking down. All that I went through today - almost being raped, being threatened and physically hurt made me terrified. When did everything change so much? Just months ago, I was with Jeremy. He was in my life for over a year, time that allowed for me to fall deeply in love. Everything seemed genuine about him. I only saw love when he would kiss me. He opened up to me about his struggle in being sober. Being in Indiana tortured him because he felt lost and hated his life there. Turning to alcohol and hard drugs made him feel free; free for a few hours even though each time he tested his limits, attempting to see how much drugs his body could handle. He was playing with life and death, each time sending him into pleasure and ecstacy. Seeing him crave drugs scared me, alcohol and drugs were his demons. I urged him to get help, when he felt vulnerable and left craving more. I was able to get him to pursue professional help and slowly stop craving drugs. 

Was that part true too? Was he as vulnerable as he led me to believe?

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Bryce opened the door to my apartment and closed it. He walked over to my bathroom and put me down to turn on the shower.

Steam filled in the shower. Tears were still falling down my eyes and I started to feel warmth from the steam. Bryce turns me around to face him, then picks up my chin to look at my eyes. Our eyes meet- my salty tears run down to his fingers and he wipes my cheeks.

“I will never hurt you like that. I’ll protect you until I let out my last breath, Kay. I promise.” he says with security. I took a deep breath and starting weeping, letting out my bottled up emotions. Bryce wraps his arms around me, stroking my hair as I continued to cry.

“Please talk to me, Kay,” he whispered.

“T-t-thank you, Bryce. I-I-I’m so grateful to have you with me. T-t-thank you for defending me,” I manage to let out, while I continue crying.

“No need to thank me, sweetheart,” he replies, looking at me with care in his eyes. “We need to file a police report. He was hurting you, I’m sure that his intent was to hurt you even more.”

I nodded my head and started to take my wet clothes off. I started covering my body in shame and felt dirty from what Jeremy’s attack. He didn’t treat me like I was someone he loved; I was just a rag doll he tossed around. I was the puppet he controlled for several months. I was a fool.

I met Bryce’s eyes, and felt ashamed of my nude body. Throughout my life, I hated my appearance. I hated my curves, feeling like it was a burden. I was teased for having a “big butt” and thick thighs. I didn’t have a thigh gap, like the other girls at school. I had a relatively flat stomach and large breasts, which I was also self-conscious about. All I wanted in life was to be stick thin, like my cousin Arlene, because it’s what I felt was beautiful.

Bryce pulls my arms gently, exposing my body. He takes me by the hand to the bathroom mirror and wipes the mirror. I gasped when I saw the reflection of my nude body.

He moves to stand behind me, wrapping his arm around my waist. “Don’t be ashamed of your body, Kay.  Look at yourself.”

I stared at myself in the mirror and blushed. Standing behind me was a complete hunk and all I saw was a chubby girl. A girl who had more imperfections than perfections.

“If only you could see yourself, the way I see you. You would know that you’re the closest thing to perfect there is,” he says into my ear.

“For example,” he says lifting my hand, “you have the softest hands and skin. Your light skin is even in color…” He pauses and moves his hands to lift my hair off my shoulders. “Your hair is a beautiful brown color that looks like the color of honey when you’re out in the sun.” His hands touch my neck, making my body shiver. “Every single time I see your neck, I’m tempted to leave love bites. When I smell you, you smell like roses and flowers. Absolutely addicting, I may say.”

He pauses and looks at my reflection. I’m breathing hard at this point because of his touch, leaving me craving his touch exploring every inch of my body. He smiles to me at the mirror and continues moving down. “I especially love your big breasts,” he says while swirling a finger around my left breast. “It drives me crazy how your breasts react to me. Just like it is now.” He starts grabbing my nipple, playing and teasing it. My nipples harden in response to his touch. I press my body against the sink’s counter, his touch weakened my ability to stand on my own.

I feel his hand travel further down to my waist. He puts both of his hands around it. “I love your the curve of your hips,” he says tracing from my hip all the way to my thigh area with his hands. I am surprised when he turns me around and presses his body onto mine. He traces my lower hip with his finger until he reaches my behind. He immediately squeezes one cheek and I turn to look behind me at the reflection in the mirror.

“My favorite part is this. I love your booty,” he says as he growls into my ear. “The first night we went out I couldn’t stop staring at your behind. Your gold dress hugged your curves in the right areas. You’re a cutie with a booty.”

I start laughing and looked up to him. He was staring down at me, still grabbing onto me from behind.

“What I’m trying to get to is that you have to love your body. I already love you, but you can’t love someone else, when you have insecurities about yourself. When you fail to love you, when you have many amazing qualities, besides your beauty. I’d like you to love me for me and I will do the same with you.”

I had only known Bryce for around two weeks, two incredible weeks. During this time, he made me believe in love again. He had also defended me, saved my life, and gotten to know the real me. The vulnerable woman who was insecure about her body and her relationships. He’d helped me pick myself up...and now he’s helping me love myself.

I smiled and agreed with him. I’d love myself and I would open myself to love again.

I wanted to love Bryce with all of my heart. I knew I was falling in love with him.