Walls (Huey/Riley)

Night

Huey's heart curled in on itself at the same time it burned outwards, but you'd never know it from looking at him - face only slightly more strained than his usual scowl - as he gazed over at his brother. The metre or so between them shrinking down to nothing in his mind as Riley took over his entire world. And yet, he's never been more far away. Huey has to stop doing this, staring at his own blood in the quiet of the night. He has no excuses for it, no out. They even look one and the same, except for their hair, and the way Riley lags behind him by a couple of inches. Maybe it's narcissism. No, that'd be another excuse. The truth is, as far as Huey can tell, he's in love - never loved anyone or anything more. He has to stop but he doesn't know how... doesn't think that deep down he really wants to either when he looks at him like this.

Somehow, when he looks at Riley like this, or when he laughs, or cries, and even when he acts like a fool, Huey has this feeling of Knowing - that he'll never feel this way about anyone else. If he loses this feeling, finds some way to rid himself of it, what more would he even have? Sometimes he'll pretend to be reading, but he's watching Riley from the corner of his eyes, thinking about what noises he'd make if he kissed him. Thinking about how his skin would feel against his fingertips. His skin looks smooth, and Huey wonders what it would taste like. He wonders if Riley will ever find someone to love him, someone who CAN, someone who isn't Huey. He wonders if he'll live long enough for that to happen. If Riley were to be gone, he'd have nothing left. He'd have failed. He'd be dead too. Huey knows in these moments that he has to make sure Riley lives. Maybe that's why the universe made him feel this way. No, he berates himself for yet another excuse.

Riley's face softens when he sleeps. He looks his age. Eight, Huey thinks, man that makes it even worse. His eyelashes flutter minutely as he dreams a quiet dream, Huey wonders what it could be that leaves him looking so at rest. Riley would say it was something out of a gangster movie, but Huey's not so sure sometimes. In the dead of night, when he's sure no one's looking, Riley's acts all melt away. But Huey is looking. He watches and wishes he could know this Riley. He sees him sometimes while he wakes, in fleeting moments where he forgets to keep his walls up. They happen less and less often as he gets older, and Huey fears that one day this real Riley will all but die inside him, unseen. Huey's chest stings. He wants to reach across and gently touch him awake, wants to hold his walls down and kiss him. Maybe that would be what it would take.

No. Huey has to shake off this delusion even as his fingers twitch with wanting. Besides, Huey would always love both Rileys. He just wishes it were as simple as a brother's love. He wishes Riley would let him show even that.