Stars & Fingertips

Contractions

The look in your eyes pierced through my skin like the stars pierce through the atmosphere. Your eyes were the stars and I was weak like the gravity that has not kept me grounded.

"I'm sorry." A phrase I had essentially heard a thousand times before, so many times that the reasoning became askew and it was just a contraction of words followed by an action that has lost its meaning and is only meant to fill the open air. This phrase has dug its way into my brain and in the depths it has rested, ultimately morphing into a phrase that does not matter and does not mean what it always has meant.

"I love you." A phrase I had essentially never heard on purpose. You had heard me say this when I had formed different language in my mouth and love had spilled off my tongue. Your reaction was quick and fleeting and I had never believed it to be true.

Actions speak louder than words.

The night of October 11th has been burned in my mind. The words you sang into my ear as you held me closer than I had ever felt you in my dreams. Faithfully you had held me. The way your lips curled towards my cheek as you kissed me tenderly like I was fragile. The way I was unequivocally fragile in the passenger seat. Tears streamed from my eyes as I looked out the window, for I thought that you would run and I was ready to rest my fingers on the handle and leave you. You had changed my mind as you said words of security, as you reached over and held me and my tears fell on your forearm. I was frightened to lose something that I had not yet had, and you were frightened to lose something you did not recognize you wanted. As I stepped out of the car I did not step out alone. You had walked me in and laid me down, tucked me in and held me until I fell asleep. Little did I know that you had walked me into what would be the beginning of a love so strong that it has killed me inside.

May 2nd. You and I walked through the door and shut it behind us. Your lips fell on mine just like they had no less than five hours before. Your lips were warm and chapped yet perfection and they tasted like longing. They tasted like how I envisioned; they tasted like the man I had waited for, yet you were not even mine. The door had closed and off came our clothes. I was left standing vulnerable leaning against the bed frame as the necklace you wore resembled the love you had for another. I did not let this change my mind. Instead I let you release the clasp and place the necklace away from our bodies, not a second thought in your mind or regret in my bones. You had laid over me as the sun shined through the white curtains and you performed the act of love without the emotion. I was so incredibly fragile and vulnerable and I had loved every single second of it. I loved every single moment that I would look up into your eyes and we would laugh into each other. The action was so serious and we were so lighthearted. It was dangerously exciting and when I asked if this was a mistake you looked into my eyes and told me that mistakes happen. Unknown to me at the moment you had clearly said that this was a mistake.

Losing my virginity to you was a mistake that I will never regret.

March 3rd. This makes 8, this makes 9. How many times will I let myself fall in love with you? How many times will I give you the chance to fall in love with me? Yet, you never will. I know this more than I know how to make you smile. When you pulled your sweatshirt back over your head I stared at you, I started at you long and hard. My mind said the words that my lips could not conjure. Inside of my head I had said that I loved you, and that I had never had the opportunity to love something so magnificent that it has made my sides hurt and that leaving was something I was too used to watching you do.

You saw these words on my face. You laid next to me and touched your forehead to mine. I let some of my emotions escape from my lips and you had said it again -

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

"No it's not."

A negative followed by a contraction followed by another negative. I have heard these words so many times after the word 'fine' that it has lost its meaning along with your apologies and more than just this string of words is needed. This phrase is dull and lacking and I have so many questions why. Why is it not fine?