Trigger Warning: Suicide, Dissociation
The sun cracks through the blinds and I roll over wanting to sleep my life away, everything feels so heavy and uncomfortable as if I leave my bed the world will fall apart. I drift into a numbing sleep, unable to remember what I dreamt about. I feel wrong and sick but incapable to understand why or how.
It feels like when you read and reread a page, but you are unable to understand what the page is saying. You get roughly what it is saying but you are so incapable to understand the meaning, but you so desperately try and read it again and again hoping this time that you will understand it. This burning hope that you will understand the page eats at you. Your brain is screaming at you to just understand because it is so simple. You are so trapped in your head and stuck with this screaming telling you are an idiot and that you should just die.
You should not die but those pills on the kitchen table look good right now. I grab them staring at them wondering how long it will be until you are dead and in split second you decided your decision. It may be stupid, but you will be finally free from your pain and the burdens that have been put on you. Who cares about you anyway? After all, you hurt everyone around you anyway, so you are basically doing them a favour by being dead.
You are not okay at all, but you cannot help yourself as everyone around you mocks mental illness or tells you "What do you have been depressed about" ignoring everything you struggled with your whole life. You are trapped mentally and physically with no way out but hoping someone saves you before you are too far gone and unable to be yourself. But for now, you enjoy the moments that you can feel somewhat happy and yourself because you can look after yourself and do things with people without cancelling last minute.
The moments that you feel happiest you try and cling onto before it becomes a distant memory, and you start wishing that everything was that blissful and cheerful again. You start listening to music repetitively and it slowly dawns on you that you are not happy but just slightly less depressed and you are just dissociating from everything.
YOU ARE READING
Writing through the numbness
Non-FictionDifferent Stories about my mental health and how I felt in those moments. There is triggering content so be careful if you're triggered by suicide, dissociation and a few others. These chapters will uploaded daily, so keep notifs on :)
