K.M. The LLL || Katie

The Beginning of Losing

I wake up to my room still aphotic. I'm pretty sure it's been about two years since Grandma died. So, I'm about six. It's been two months since my first loss, he's in Utah. No, not my boyfriend, my first man in my life. Daddy. Sure, I get to visit there in the summer, but he missed my birthday, he missed my brother's, and this is how it will be for like 5 years? How am I supposed to do this? I just don't know.

I get dressed in my favorite tee and some denim shorts, and I go downstairs to find yummy pancakes and eggs with strawberries and bananas. I eat up the divine breakfast and go brush my teeth. My brother and I dial my dad's phone number in excitement to hear his reassuring voice. This goes on everyday until present day. So let's just fast forward to age nine.

Age nine. March 11, my birthday! I'm so excited to hear my family's attempt to sing a classic, and of course Nana! Stories have been told that she used to sing twinkle twinkle little star in Latin for my mom. P.S. it's true! On the 28th, I think it was, my parents got my brother and I tickets to Cirque Dis Soleil, after we ate half of our BBQ dinner. That was Nana's birthday, well her actual birthday is leap year, but that doesn't matter! The show was amazing, seeing trapeze, contortionists, and acrobats! And now I'm finally nine!

Ok, I'm gonna fast forward two more days!

77. Age she died. Nana is in Heaven. I hate to see her fly to the arms of another, knowing she won't be in mine. 2 days after my birthday. We're not having a funeral, only a Celebration of Life. My brother and I are preparing a speech. My Nana prepared a letter and video for as many people as she could before the day came. I would read the letter if it wasn't to heart wrenching and personal. She was like a second mom. She won't see me get married, or have kids, or graduate, won't read my first published book.

Ok, I'm gonna fast forward a couple weeks!

This is the Celebration of Life. I wore a dress that is like a yellow, blue, purple, and orange mix, what Nana would've wanted. She told me, not to mourn of death, but to celebrate of life. I don't think I can say the speech. In front of like a 150 guests! Anyways, one more speech and my brother and I are up. I'm gonna fast forward 5 minutes.

Ok. I don't exactly remember my speech, except I put a great funny memory of her in there. I cried, I couldn't stop. The audience cried with me. So did every other speaker. I feel a pit in my stomach and a hole in my heart. The audience applauded after my speech, I don't know how... it was a kid written speech that I cried while writing and speaking. This is too hard. I smell something and think of her and want to cry. I see something and think of her. Sometimes I forget, just for the moment and I realize when I go over to her house, she won't be there. Just the huge house and pool. No Nana.

Hi guys! This is like a diary! It is my past and present, mixed so at one point I might be six and at the other 10 or 4! This is all true. Be kind, and remember you're not the only one!