DEAR DIARY : Born is not an option

Live Like This

Hello!!! I am Olivia Johnson from Belgium. I am a patient of ASD Level 1 or for easy understanding..... I am an autistic lady. I was diagnosed 15 years ago while I was 2 years old. I know what comes in your mind right now.. "She can write? She knows english? She can speak?" And let me answer that. Yes, Yes and Yes. I can do all of that or even I have better memory than you guys that I can remember every details in my life. But people never trust me. However, this is not section 2.. So, I won't talk about discrimination or any bad things people do to me. Let me just share my experience living as an autistic child.

15th April 2007, 5.14 p.m.
I was 3 years old and I just started to speak. My first word was neither mama nor papa but it was "NORMAL". I don't why did I say that. Maybe because I listened to that word most of the time since everyone visited us always asked my mom if I can live like a NORMAL person. Guess what.. The next 3 three days after, I can speak in full sentence but not that fluent. My mom was so shocked. She cried happily. At night, my papa bought a box of fried chickens. Then , at that time I told him that the chickens were not enough because there was only 5 inside the box and we were 3 at home so that I person will only eat 1 piece while 2 eat 2 pieces. My dad was shocked. Obviously.... How could you not to be shocked when a 3 year old autistic child did the calculating of division? So on Sunday, they brought me to the psychiatrist, Dr Ed and he told my parents that some of us(ASD level 1) has higher iq than some normal kids. Starting from that moment, my parents taught me to play sudoku, rubix cube, riddles and puzzles. I enjoyed all those games very much.

4th January 2010.. 7.26 a.m.
I was sent to the normal kindergarten. Maybe I didn't speak fluently like other kids but I can write a complete essay at my age of 6. However, I was not allowed to do all the activities such as swimming lesson and monkey bar. Maybe because they worried that I would just drown myself or make myself fall from the monkey bar. Along the year, everything was advanced. I scored 100% in all tests but my colouring was just that bad. I have a little problem in differentiating colours. That makes me not driving right now since I only scored 20% in my colourblindess test.

2011 - 2013
Everything was just normal and nothing great happened.. As usual, 100% in all tests except arts that I scored less than 10%.. Obviously.. I coloured sky as purple and river as red. That would be scary to be realistic.

2014,
Here where my great lifestory started.
I participated in a writing competition in both junior and open category. Guess what? I won the junior category of course but I also won the open category beated all the adult writers. And it was not even english essay competition but it was mandarin essay. It was an international competition. So, my victory became the centre of attention for most of mandarin speakers all over the world. I was interviewed by many reporters. That moment was super elating. Then, I participated in fast calculating competition , memorizing competition and rubix cube competition. I won all except rubix cube competition since I lost to an australian Rubix God that literally unbeatable. I earned money and gained popularity. I appeared many times on news.

24th June 2019,
I think I was falling in love with a boy in my school. Don't get it wrong. Not my schoolmate but a 25 year old intern teacher. He taught Mathematics. At the moment he walked into my class, I was astonished by his visual and vibe. I never liked anyone before since I know nobody would like me back. Besides, I absolutely had no feeling towards anyone even aftet meeting thousands of people during many global competition. But, Sir Sean Tan really made me going crazy(before this I am autism so maybe some people call it crazy too but at that moment I was going love crazy). I paid attention during his classes all the time because I wanted to show him that I was extraordinary.

15th July 2019,
Exam day! The most anxious day in my life since Sir Sean was the invigilator and I just could not pay attention because he kept looking at me. He must be thinking "how can an autistism answer such difficult secondary test!?!". So, I tries my best to show him my talent since everyone in the school already knew my level except him.

6th August 2019,
Result out! And the result was pasted on the huge announcement board in the school hall. And guess what? In my batch, I got the first place with perfect 100% for all subjects except English since my English proficiency was not that good and still not that good. I was super elated since Sir Sean praised me and told me that he had nevee seen anyone with perfect score in his entire life. I felt that I would be more comfortable to interact with him. So that I ended up with a silly action.

17th October 2019,
It was the last day of Sir Sean's internship. I met him after the class dismissed. He was sitting on a bench in front of the hall. I approached him and greeted him. And I confessed my feeling towards him. And he replied, "I am so sorry Olivia. But, I can't receive your love. Don't be sad.  Keep studying..  Achieve more success. I am sure there will be someone who falls in love with you. " I was rejected during my first ever love confession. I went back home and laughed all day. I heard that laughing can make us happy and forgets our sadness. But it did not work. I guess I was not sad  that time. I was just speechless and had no feelings at all.  I was neither sad nor happy. I felt nothing but the more I laughed the more I felt lonely. Obviously my mom realized it since I rarely laughed before even when I was happy. She asked me, "what happened, Oli? Please do not make me worried.". I replied, "why did he reject my love ?  I am popular. I was on TV many times.  I have money. It's all from the advertisement,  competition or even from books selling. I am clever.  Why did he dump me?  Because I am sick?  I am pretty sure this illness is not a contagious disease. He won't get crazy. Why did he refuse to even give a shot? ". My mom laughed while looking at me complaining about my experience of getting rejected. She said,  "my little princess has grown up now. Love is not an apple that we can buy from the market and not the pie that we can bake. Love grows by itself with 2 hearts. It's normal to get rejected since 1 heart is not enough to grow the love. Instead of giving a shot that will just end up with tears. Sometimes, not trying is a rational action." It was the first time our conversation became so matured and deep. Her words made me realized and gave me the motivation to just follow the flow and stop complaining.

21st July 2021,
Here am I right now.  Writing or apparently typing my story as an autistic patient. Maybe some people say,  pity you.  Be strong. You can do this. Keep trying. But for me..  This is a gift. My fate is a gift.  Maybe born is not an option but it does not mean that living is not an option. The moment we started to breathe, it was the moment of living and it was the beginning of our options. So,  if you are lazy to choose.. Just be like me.. Enjoy the flow.  That's all from me...  Thank you for reading.. Keep supporting Dear Diary : Born is not an option.