The Nonbinary Umbrella And My Experience

my experiences

An: this part will be some of my experiences as a someone under the Nonbinary umbrella and how I should've realised I was on it. If you're more interested in nonbinary terms and identities feel free to skip this chapter (you can also do that if you're not very well educated since this chapter will include trans specific terms)

To introduce myself; I am an agender person who also identifies with the label gendervoid. I've identifies as such for half a year and known I wasn't cis basically my whole life. I go by they/he/it pronouns in that preferred order and is currently planning on coming out to my mom. I am also AFAB so maybe AFAB individuals will have a higher chance to relate to this.

I began questioning my gender at a very young age. I noticed that I didn't like the same stuff, I pretended to like barbies, dolls, the color pink and other sort of stuff associated by femininity. Looking back at it I definetly had gender dysphoria over doing traditionally feminine things.

I've always hated my deadname. If I write a paper for school or something I usually like to write only my initials or add the name when I'm finished with the project so I don't have to look at it.

I've never really felt like I belonged with girls. Especially in school, I really don't vibe with them. But the problem is, I don't vibe with boys either. I don't connect to either binary gender like I feel they do.

When I was a child you could say I was sort of a tomboy. I loved sports, didn't care about which clothes I wore and interested in masculine things.

When I play games I always chose masculine or androgynous characters. Such as Tails from Sonic, Yoshi from Mario and I'm always intrigued by people who don't dress like their gender. I've always idolized women with short hair, masculine clothes etc. I don't know if this is related to my gender at all but my biggest idol growing up was Pikachu and my deseased cat.

I always loved when people online would mistake me for a boy. I got so much euphoria from it, but it also felt of. I'm not a boy and I don't want to be one. But just the fact that they didn't see me as a girl was exciting, new and just made me happy in a weird way younger me couldn't explain. I would still like to be express myself in a very masculine way, but as of right now I sometimes too get dysphoria from people percieving me as a man.

I thought I was a binary trans man for so long but then I realised that I did not want an AMAB body. Or I would really love to be born AMAB. But I would not like to have male genetalia (a male chest would be nice though). I would just want to be completely flat. Though if I could choose a humanly possible body I'd have a male reproductive system, genetalia and chest while having a more femenine frame, curvy and wide hips.
(This will of course not be the same for every Nonbinary person or transman either)

In dreams and stuff I've always been genderless. Everyone around me too, except the people I know. When making up characters to daydream about they have never had any stereotypical gender rolls assigned to them and quite frankly don't see people for their gender.

I've never really seperated people by gender. As an agender person I don't think I have the same view of gender other people, especially cis people. I barely have a concept of it and I don't understand it. I don't know how it feels either.

Before I attached a label to myself I've always been open to learning about Nonbinary people and the first time I heard about the nonbinary umbrella it just made sense. I never needed time to understand it. If people could identify as man and woman of course people could feel like they didn't fit into any of those words.

When I hadn't hit puberty yet I was terrified. I hated the idea of getting a chest, I despise periods on another level, I did not want a curvier body and I hated the fact that it would be way more obvious I was a girl considering the boys would go through another set of changes dividing them from me even more.

I don't think anyone was really excited about puberty but some of the girls were excited for their period and many of them started wearing bras and stuff. My mom always asked me if I wanted a bra and I always said that I would never ever wear one. And I still don't. But now I really want a tight sports bra so I can bind with it.

I would always notice and still do extra much when people say things like; she or he, men and women, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and the list goes on. Even before I realised I was Nonbinary I felt as if it excluded me.

I hate when P.E teachers divide the class by boys and girls. (And it's always a room for misogony to form too) I would rather be lumped up with the girls (I am absolutely terrified of the boys) but I still feel like I don't belong there.

---

Before I end this I just wanted to say again that all Nonbinary people are different, some experiences dysphoria and some don't. Some want to change their name while others wants to keep theirs and some Nonbinary people still feel a connection to their AGAB while some don't.

There's no right way to be Nonbinary and everyone who identifies under the Nonbinary umbrella is completely valid.