Walker One-Shots

Emily x Cordell || "Haunting Me"

It was happening again, Cordell was spiraling. Like usual, no one was there to stop him from drowning his feelings with liquor. Then again, he always tried to pick a time (mostly late in the night) where no one would notice he was gone long enough to get drunk beyond belief.

He knew it wasn't healthy, he knew it was probably taking years off his life. He had promised to stop and he was making an effort to. Sometimes though... sometimes it just got worse and he needed a little pick me up. For what his family knew, he was sober for a few months now. For what was true, Cordell would drink one night each month until he passed out from it. He was getting better though, spacing that one special day out further and further. To him, slow progress was better than no progress.

Cordell could admit he was drowning his feelings with alcohol when asked, but he couldn't admit what it does to him that makes him want to stay drunk. No one knew, no one had to know, but drinking like this is what brought him back to his Emily. Deep down he knew it wasn't the true Emily that once blessed his life, he knew it was just a subconscious part of his mind. Yet, it's these one special days each month that make him feel closer to her than he could even begin to describe in words.

He could barely hold himself up from the overwhelming urge to lay back in the bed of his truck when she appeared. "Emily." She smiled at Cordell as he attempted to carefully get two feet on the ground to stand in front of her. "I was beginning to think you wouldn't show." He was very obviously past tipsy as his speech even slurred a bit.

Emily's smile never wavered, not even the state of Cordell in this current moment could wipe the smile off of her face. "Guess I made it to the party right on time then," she laughed bright and loud. Then a beat, "I'll always come when you need me, Cordell." It was sincere and true, and in that moment the mood shifted from joyous reconciliation to emotionally charged reunion.

"I know... God, I know." Tears began to brim in his eyes. Every meeting that started with the liquor would always end with a breakdown, Cordell just didn't think it would be so soon. "I miss you, ya know? So much. There are things... moments that I'll never get to have with you and it pisses me off beyond belief."

If he closed his eyes, Cordell was sure he could feel the ghost of Emily's fingers carding through his hair. He couldn't bring himself to close his eyes though, not this time. The memory of his late wife was fading more and more lately, these nights were all he had left and he wasn't going to waste it with his damn eyes closed. "How are August and Stella?" Emily asked instead, trying to ground him.

Cordell shrugged and took another swig of his almost empty bottle. "Good. Stella stays in trouble, but your spirit shines through in her every day. She's still playing soccer, making us proud like always." A bittersweet smile-grimace graced his face as he spoke. It was hard seeing Stella sometimes, she reminded him so much of Emily. By that same token, so did August. "August is the same old August we know and love. He, uh, still uses your camera every chance he gets. Many wouldn't think it, but your spirit shines through him just as brightly."

Emily watched Cordell with soft, fond eyes and a held-back smile. "I miss them." Her voice was whimsical, even sounding almost far away. "I miss you." She added with tears beginning to brim her eyes. "You know we can't keep meeting like this. You're practically killing yourself, Cordell." The worry in her voice hit Cordell right to his core. He knew she was right, hell, he even told himself that every time he went to go get blackout drunk.

Cordell nodded stiffly, scrunching his nose like he does when he knows something is right but doesn't like hearing it. "No, yeah, you're right." He sniffed and swallowed hard as the tears in his own eyes began to spill. "I just... I need you, we all need you. I can't let you go." He wiped the tears away, trying to stop himself before it got worse. "There's this thing bothering me. It always bothers me when I think of you, when you appear, or whenever you're mentioned, it hits me like a truck."

Emily stepped closer, almost so close to touch, "what is it?" She prodded gently, already having a bit of a feeling of what it could be, ready to listen. Emily was kind like that, never one to assume, and would listen to others for as long as they needed. It's one of the reasons Cordell loves— loved —her so much.

"All the things...," Cordell started, his voice cracking slightly, "all of the things I didn't say, Emily... they're haunting me, and they'll never stop." He avoided her eyes as he pushed on. "I should've told you about how when I see crime scene photos I always look for the positive. Granted they're usually not under good circumstances, but I think about you and your photography and I just can't help but see the beautiful, unimportant details in the evil, horrible photos." With his breath labored, he didn't waste a second to stop. "And how when you'd always help Stella or Auggie with soccer or school or whatever, I'd just hide around the corner and stare because you are the best mom to our kids and I couldn't help but relish in finding someone so beautiful and bright." A sob escaped him as he gasped to catch his breath, "but I didn't get the chance to tell you all these little things....," his heart was breaking more and more by the words that kept spilling out, "and now I never will."

His eyes closed in pain, and in an effort to calm himself down some. He could feel Emily cradling his face in her hands, thumbing at the tears streaking down even though it did nothing to help... after all she is a spirit without a vessel, on a completely different level than Cordell could even begin to imagine. Here though, here he could feel her if he focused hard enough, and he didn't ever want that to stop.

"But you just told me them, Cordell." Emily countered back softly. Cordell opened his eyes and stared into hers, mouth open to object when Emily shushed him. "I know... it isn't the same. I know you wish you were able to tell the human me I once was. I know you wish to hold me in your arms and never let go again. I know you wish that my face was the first thing you'd see in the morning again lying beside you in bed. I know, Cordell. I want those things too, I want those moments back more than anything." She cleared her throat as it became tighter and tighter as she went on. "Right now though, that's not possible. I'm... well... you know, and you're taking care of our family. You're taking care of our Stella and August, of Abeline and Bonham, of Liam and even Bret. You're doing so much without even realizing it, you're holding this family together no matter how much you may doubt it."

Emily's eyes glistened in the moonlight that cast down upon them. "Don't let your drinking get in the way of your progress. You've come so far to throw it all away just to see me. I need you to keep taking care of yourself so you can keep taking care of our family. Promise me you'll do that? Please? I'm not saying it'll be easy, I'm not saying it'll happen overnight. I just want you to try." There was no mistaking the pleading in her voice as Cordell only gave a small and curt nod in response. "I'll always be here with you. You don't have to drink to bring me to you. I'll be with you in your dreams, your thoughts, and deep within your heart, love." She yearned to touch him, to reach out and throw her arms around him even though they both knew there was no way they'd feel what they once had felt.

"I love you, Cordell." She whispered gently, sounding even further away than she had when she first arrived.

"I love you, Emily." He responded, voice rough and ragged from all the emotions he had felt this night.

Cordell watched as his late wife faded into thin air. The emotions he'd felt for months now, only strengthening, but he willed himself to breathe and calm down some. He pushed himself back up on the bed of his truck, leaving his arms steady behind him so he could lean back and look up at the stars that littered the dark sky. Those stars would be the last thing he remembered before he passed out that night.

That was the last time Cordell saw Emily in that way. Her words struck him to his core, and he sought out to do even better. True to her word, Emily seemed to be there whenever he needed her, whether it be in his dreams or sometimes even right in front of his face when he was awake, there was no drinking necessary to get her to show up. It still hurt nonetheless, like a wound that healed itself and just kept reopening somehow. Though Cordell still had a few drinks every once in a while, it was nothing major like it was before. His family understood when he had told them what was really going on, they helped to keep him on the straight and narrow.

At the end of the day though, it was Emily's everlasting support, even in her death, that kept Cordell steady and present.