What Depression is Like for Me.

Facing Yourself

Have you ever thought and then kept thinking until suddenly your so deep in your thoughts you don't realize how dark and sad and lonely and terrible they are until it is too late? You cry because you think you are useless. You cry because you feel so lonely and empty. You start believing no one actually loves or cares about you. You feel your heart crumble in your chest like an atomic bomb has invaded your soul and it's so crushing you can barely breathe. Worse thoughts start spinning around your head making you so dizzy you don't realize everything is in your head. You don't realize you are telling yourself these terrible things. You are trapped. There's no stopping now. All you can think about is how horrible you feel about being alive. You want it to stop. You beg for it to stop. It doesn't. It never does. 

You tell your friends your fine. There's nothing wrong. They won't care anyway, right? You can handle it yourself.  You don't want to burden them with your problems. You don't want them to see through the barrier you have in place.  You don't want to show them how weak and needy you are. They don't need to know how f***ed up your thoughts have gotten. What can save you now? Who can save you now? You feel empty inside. 

This depression just hits you out of the blue. One second you're the happiest person in the world, but suddenly all you can do is cry. Cry and cry and cry. You want to be alone, but you also want to be surrounded by your close friends - your family. 

Sometimes it lasts for hours, possibly a few days. Some times it seems to stick with you for months. Years, even. You lock yourself in your room. You don't want anyone to see how torn up you are. How broken you are.

Sometimes it takes a while to get out of. But you get out of it on your own feeling stronger than ever before. Sometimes it takes a friend. Just one friend to pull you out of your mind and your loneliness - to save you from yourself. 

People don't understand this. They don't understand what it truly feels like to be ripped apart from the inside out. Depression is not something you can fake. Depression is not something that can be magically fixed forever. Depression is not to be taken lightly. Depression is a serious problem that many teens have to deal with. However, depression will always be there in the back of your mind. No pill can fix that. No amount of medicine will ever get rid of the demon inside of you. Only you can cage the monstrosity. I wish people just realized they didn't have to do it alone. I realize I should take my own advice and stop being hypocritical, and it is easier said than done. It's one of the toughest battles anyone could ever go through. It's hard facing that side of yourself. It will always be hard. But suicide will never be the answer. 

I wish I could tell so many people this. I wish everyone understood how such a terrible thing exists and ruins so many lives. I wish more people knew how true this is. More people should become aware of the horrors we face.