Lost and Insecure

"A broken heart is the worst. It's like having a broken rib. No one can see it, but it hurts everytime you breathe. "

Sometimes you have to remind yourself to breathe. In out, in out. Sometimes it's hard to breathe because it feels like the wind is knocked out of you and you're just..empty. Nothing inside. You feel like everything's standing still and in that moment it's just you against the world. Just you.

It was a daily thing for Niall. He was alone, though not really. Everything was a murmur to him and he felt like he couldn't catch everything all at once. Sure, he had friends. Wonderful who were there for him and stuck by him. But with Niall, there was no fixing the damage.

The memories still rushed by. Dreaded, horrible, deceiving memories. The hitting, the screaming, the rape, the alcohol. Everything wizzed by in his mind. He tried to forget everything but he just couldn't because it had shattered him, weakened him. He can't get the whimpers, the pleads out of his mind. " P-please, Zayn...you're hurting m-me.." " Stop! S-sto-" It was all fresh in his mind. It was just another painful reminder of how useless he was.

Niall winced at the memories and shuddered, trying to huddle into the blankets for comfort but he couldn't. He lay there, motionless, until his eyes glistened like normal from every ounce of pain and he dragged himself up into the bathroom. He knew what time it was, judging from the shade glimmering into his room. It was the evening, about 6, and he had just woken. It was usual for Niall, because he could barely get his ass out of bed anymore. He only did for the necessaries and..release. So it brought him into the painfully white bathroom with the shiny sink and tiled shower and a mirror, with a reflection that showed him someone he'd never seem before. But it was Niall. A Niall he didn't want to become but he had. His eyes flicker around the small space before closing the door slowly and parting his lips to breathe out. He needed a release. He's done this before. But it didn't make anything easier because it still hurt yet felt so good. So he took his tool into hand and a sliver of his face shined back, making him grimace. Nowadays he wasn't what he used to be. And it disgusted him. Then in a swift movement, another, and another, the cool blade had slashed three times. His lucky number. The blood bubbled out, catching his dim blue eyes with a hint of fascination. Blood was always beautiful to Niall. The only beautiful part about him.

He didn't feel the pain anymore. Well, he did, but not so much the pain he could actually control. He liked that pain because for once he felt he could be in charge of something in his life. Thus, he cleaned up and shuffled out, feeling more relieved and less confident. Niall didn't really know what to do and he felt so tired. So tired. He gripped onto his nightstand for support, meeting another picture of him. A before picture. Before he was..this. Before he was broken. And before he was broken, he was beautiful. His locks, a wonderful mixture of brown and a soft blonde splattered atop of his head, slightly crested. His eyes, bright blue with a shine, almost smiled at the camera. But his actual smile...it was so real. A real smile from Niall Horan. Not anymore would that happen.

" Niall?"

The timid voice rippled his thoughts, making him turn around and lift his head to see the curly kid standing in his doorway. Harry was so soft and gentle with Niall, careful with his feelings. Niall liked that. He liked it and appreciated it. The other boys..well, they worry about Niall alot. Even though they shouldn't. Louis likes to barrage him with questions and likes to know how Niall is, ect. Liam demands Niall to tell him if he's okay and what's wrong, if he's hungry, ect. Harry was the only one who didn't hover over him 24/7. " Yes?" Niall breathed out, ruffling his hair through his slightly knotted hair. His voice was quaky and sorta rough from sleeping. Harry shifted in the doorway, his slender hands sliding into his pocket as he spoke again. " The boys would like to know if you're eating. " He states, looking Niall directly in the eyes. He contemplates this. The thought of food makes Niall's stomach rumble, though Harry doesn't catch that, but he knows the food itself would be revolting. So Niall simply shook his head, biting the flesh of his bottom lip. " I'm going for a walk." He let out, slipping past Harry and walking through and out of the house without another word.

The guys know not to follow him when he goes out. He always comes home after, safe and sound. They let him have his space which he greatly appreciated in return. Leaving him walking down the sidewalk, walking past trees and benches and coffee shops and everything inbetween. He just let his mind think, browse his brain and think. The crisp Britain air filled his lungs and this evening it was exceptionally nice out, he noticed. He decided to do something he hasn't done in a long time. Sing. So he sung a soft tune of " Toxic". He didn't really know why he was singing it but he liked it. He liked the soft melody and he just forgot how much he loved singing. And he walked. He walked past bushes and trees and people and playgrounds. He walked and walked, still singing, until he heard an angelic voice. It made him stop, his breath hitching in his throat and his body jerked because, fuck, it was so beautiful. Then he saw the crowd of people.

It wasn't necessarily a big crowd. Maybe 6-7 people. But they gathered around the mysterious voice which drew Niall to them, pushing through lightly to find the source of the voice. A boy with brown wavy hair and chocolate eyes that met Niall's in a moment he wouldn't forget.