Her eyes..
I can't look into them.
My heart hurts so bad that its numbing over slowly... Soon I won't even have a heart. This is the worst pain I have ever felt. The pain of loss. Leah's eyes are glazed over. We've been crying together all day now.. I can't seem to breath. I can't even imagine how Leah and her Mom must feel... This is so terrible, but it's just a nightmare.
Right?
Please tell me this isn't all real. Please tell me I'm sleeping and this will all go away.
I pinch my arm, wincing in pain. Nope it's not fake. This is real. I look at Leah and she opens her mouth like she's going to say something, but closes it just to start crying again. She sobs out through her tears the words "what will I do without him?" And I break. I'm sobbing with her. I want to tell her that everything will be okay, but of course it won't. Things won't ever be the same. So instead I say "We can do this together, Leah. You will always have me by your side. We will make it through this." And she looks at me in the eye for the first time all day, and we both cry together. We could cry for ours. But at some point, we have to stop.
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Two days later, we're dressed at the funeral. Leah and I cried together for the rest of that first day, and we have just been numb since then. I look at Leah and her mother. They look so much alike, both wearing black dresses with black lace sleeves. But the expression on their faces is what really gets to me. It's like neither of them are really truly here with me today. Neither of them are on this earth, they're somewhere else completely.
After staying strong the entire funeral, the final gun shot is fired, and a tear streaks down my face. One single tear with so many many emotions. I walk over to Leah and pull her into a hug, a long hug that doesn't stop for what seems like days. I can feel her pain.
I stand by Leah and her mothers side the entire time they hug people and accept condolences.. No one really knows what to say when something like this happens. What do you say to someone who's loves one just died? I'm sorry? You will be okay? You can get through? It all sounds so... Permanent. This doesn't feel permanent, I feel like we're going to go home and Joe will be waiting for us in the kitchen, wearing his Marine Core UnderArmor shirt he never takes off. Eating waffles with whipped cream and strawberries, his favorite. I can't think about him never being there again to play guitar and sing for us again. To joke around with, and walk on the beach at night with and just laugh. He's never going to be there to hug when I can't handle the rough times. How in the world will I survive without my, well, brother? He is my family, I realized now. He is a part of my heart, and that part will never leave. That gives me hope. Maybe, because he's in my heart, he will still be here with us. It won't be the same, but it's something.
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Four more days flew by in a blur. I woke up on Leah's couch, once again, as I never left her house since what happened six days ago. I got up and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I feel like a zombie. While I'm brushing, I look at all of the quotes and pictures on their bathroom mirror. I love the way her mom puts inspirational quotes up, it's really helpful on days like today. I'm glancing around when suddenly I see Harry Styles face, just barely, but it's there.
Oh my gosh. The concert! How did I forget about this?! It's tomorrow! It's... Tomorrow? Already? What happened? I should talk to Leah about this, she probably won't be up for it..
"Leah?" I whisper, sitting on the edge of a small blob of comforter on Leah's bed.
"Hmmmm?" Leah questions me.
"I know you're still half asleep, but I wanted to ask about the concert tomorrow.. Do you still want to go? I understand if you don't want to. I just wanted to ask." I asked, trying my best to sound sincere. I actually still really wanted to go. It would get my mind off things.
"Oh my GOD the concert," Leah said loudly sitting up fast, "I completely forgot!!!"
"So did I! Until this morning that is. I remembered when I saw I picture if Harry in your bathroom.." I said sheepishly. It seems weird to say.
"Of course I want to go... But my family is flying in from Florida to see my Mom and I. I can't go.. But I want you to."
"Aw... but No!! Are you crazy? I'm not going without you. Never. I'm staying here with you for all of this."
She smiled weakly and said in a quiet voice, "thank you so much, Emili. It seriously means so much, I know how much this concerts means to you.."
"I know Leah, but you're worth it. I have your back, remember?" I say smiling, even though I am actually pretty sad. This concert was my dream.. But Leah needs me, and I won't leave her side.
"We're going to make it through the crazy day with her family." I mentally promised myself. "Even if it does mean missing your dream concert."
