'i had to convince myself that he wasn't being selfish by leaving me. that i was the only one being selfish by asking him to stay. the end of his pain was the start of the never ending cycle of mine. it feels as-though the world is falling on top of me, crushing my lungs. i can't even get one full breath without choking on it
these thoughts have lingered in my head since it happened, it's been two days without him and it is truly unbearable, the event has given me a whole new understanding of the word pain, as it feels more painful than anything I could've ever imagined. The rooms of our home, once filled with laughter, now filled with unfamiliar silence, the people in my life are trying to help me cope with the bereavement , but I can't bare to face them at this time.
I just want to hide from the world, nothing feels the same anymore. watching television without him with his head on my lap, and him pouting when I refuse to run my hand through his hair, or cooking without him pestering me every two minutes asking for a taste, or consistently asking how long it would be until the food was ready, just these small things felt so tiring now.
I'm living life on mute, voices are muffled. the only thing I can hear is my own thoughts, and the memories of him growing dimmer , I wanted to hold onto these memories, but I knew the inevitable would happen, I would forget what his voice sounded like, or what he smelt like. His scent still lingers on his clothes, on our bed, calming my senses.
His scent was my favourite thing in the whole world, other than him. He smelt of pine trees and cinnamon, it was probably that stupid cologne he always used to buy, the same cologne I used to complain about, saying it was sickly, but the cologne I realise that I loved because it reminded me of him.
it came as a surprise to everyone, his death I mean. I was just coming to check on him as he had been in the shower for well over an hour at this point, at first I didn't think much of it as he always took long showers. He said something like it gave him time to reflect on life.
the only thing i remember is his pale body slumped on the floor, sitting against the wall, the empty bottle of sleeping medication on the floor next, the same ones that put him into an everlasting dormancy, and then it goes blank from there, my assumption is that my mind is blocking parts of it out as a response to the trauma.
i never thought that life could feel so dull, until I lost him. i will live the rest of my life, with the eternal longing, for my soulmate.
until we meet again, my love.
