There once was a good-hearted girl too scared to reveal her true potential to the world.
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It was a brutally cold winter in Finland in 2016. It has been almost six months since I lost my job. I was working as a project manager in a small city in the western part of Helsinki. I liked working there: my co-workers were great, my salary was good, and my work challenges made me feel strong and independent. Unfortunately, one day our superior told us that the main company we have been working for didn't want to keep proceeding with us, terminating the contract. We had reached the end. I had sent a thousand resumes. All were rejected. The more rejections I received, the more insecure I became. I felt discouraged, wrong, sad.
Sitting on the chair in my room, I observed the snow falling softly down, quietly. I recalled it being a relaxing experience. The playground was completely covered in a white blanket of soft snow. In my imagination, I became a tiny snowflake.
One day, I received an e-mail from an interim recruitment agency seeking a "Project Coordinator". Since I fit the role description, I sent my resume; the expectation was lower than zero, but another "no" at that point would not have made a difference. I received a call from the agent three days later. I started sweating, and my heart was racing. I wasn't prepared for my first interview. "I have to focus," I told myself, and again like a mantra, "You can do it!". I took a deep breath and I started to answer her inquiries. At the end of the interview, she told me I had been selected for the next round of recruitment, and she scheduled another interview for the next day at the office in Helsinki. Mixed feelings ran through my mind. Anxiety, Joy. Too little sleep, too much agitation. As I woke up earlier than usual, I wanted to choose the right outfit for the morning. I was too formal, too casual, and too smart. Finally, I put on a bright red sweater and black jeans, checking the purse for a wallet, keys, and a small mirror. I was ready to leave. After reaching the office with some anticipation, the secretary greeted me and directed me to the waiting room. As I sat down in the comfortable chair, I observed the room. It was warm and inviting. There were a few geometric blue patterns scattered on the walls along with light green paint.
"Lily?" a deep and firm voice called out to me.
He was the agent. I jumped quickly to reach him.
"Lily! Lyly Jones"
"Lauri!"
A handshake was exchanged.
"Follow me," he said.
He also had an inviting office. I was able to see the cityscape from the top of the room.
"Are you nervous"? He said smiling.
"Just a little" I reply. It was a lie, I was super nervous, but it was a good lie.
He made me feel at ease by asking me about my life in general. My nerves were lessening. After five minutes, he began to ask me questions about my previous work experience and education. Officially, the interview has begun. At some point, I don't know what happened, but fear took over me like a wave. I froze. It was like I forgot who I was and what I did. Silence. With those iced blue eyes, he was staring at me like I was guilty of something. Nothing. Tension was rising. That embarrassing moment was broken up by his phone ringing.
"If you will excuse me" he left the room
"Yes, sure," I replied.
I tried breathing in and out to release the tension, but it didn't work. I felt this urge to take my purse and find something in there, I was looking for a pocket mirror. A solid, small object catches my hand. Is that lipstick? Since I don't usually wear lipstick, I am not sure how it ended up there, but I remember something. It is a gift that my grandmother, Agnes, gave me on my 23rd birthday as a memory of her. It was always her habit to paint her lips red. I remember her words: "You have to be bold, my love. I use red lipstick to embed my lips, to symbolize that our mouths are the place where we speak and that we are brave to let the world know who we are and why we are alive". Those words gave me an extreme force. After I took a look at myself in the mirror, I firmly applied it to my lips. They were red and on fire! Damn, I-was-on-fire! The agent returned. His eyes averted to my lips as if wondering, "was she wearing lipstick before?". I was filled with confidence.
"So, where we left?" He asked me.
My strength and energy returned, I no longer felt afraid. I wanted to show off my potential, speak about myself, and make a difference. He was listening to me with surprising interest. He stood up and extended his hand to me at the end of the interview and said, "Congratulations, Lily, you begin next week! Welcome to our team!".
I was in awe of my reaction. It worked. I took courage and I made it. Grandma, thank you so much!
A deep story lies behind this small object. Through the lipstick, I was able to translate my grandmother's words into the courage to express myself and have no fear of anything.
