Random thoughts by me

8/07/21

Okay so I am not feeling good right now, I don't understand why my brain has two different opinions on everything and they constantly fight but it's getting quite annoying. I never understood when people said that they're brain is being mean to them until tonight. I think most of my mean thoughts were subconscious, so I thought them but I didn't realize I was. Until tonight. It felt like my brain was screaming at me like some stupid middle school bully got trapped in there. I am finally in an amazing healthy relationship, it made me realize what love is and how I'm supposed to feel when I am happy. But a part of my brain that I choose to no longer associate with at the moment keeps on telling me that since my depression is getting bad, I am going to scare her away. And before when my evil thoughts clouded my head I didn't care that much, I didn't see the relationship as something left to lose. But now I just know that one day I am going to become too much for her, my cute little quirks are going to become agonizing and horrifically annoying. My depression slumps that she would just see as a little speed bump she will see as a mountain. One day she is going to realize how totally imperfect for her I am. And she is going to find someone that made her feel like how she felt with me in the beginning, when everything was fresh and new and full of possibilities. And I will be left here. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone.
I don't want to be alone.
I can't be alone.
She is the only reason I haven't relapsed and I can't tell her that because that's just straight manipulation at that point. Because I do genuinely believe if she wasn't in my life right now I would be almost on my death bed crying for help, and I might end up that way if she does leave me.
But I can't tell her that.
I can't tell her that if she leaves me I'll kill myself. Or even cut myself. That is a very common manipulation tactic that my ex would use on me to make me stay with her. I can't do that. I can't. I can't. I can't. I can't.
But I can't keep things that astronomical from her. That's a whole mess of shit too. I can't keep it from her because it's just going to create tension that shouldn't exist, but I can't tell her because she is going to feel so much guilt or pain or fear. It's just a lose-lose situation.
My brain is wanting me to avoid her so when she does break up with me I will be less heart broken. But I know how dumb that is and I continue seeing her, but then I get scared I'm seeing her too much and I am just quickening the time bomb. I listen to songs about breakups and I cry my eyes out with just the anticipation of that being me. I've listening to honeybee by the steam powered giraffes, barely able to breathe from crying so hard because of the verses. I don't want to be saying goodbye it was nice to know you, and how I found myself without you, that I will really know. Because I know that I won't find myself without her. Her. Amazingly, beautiful, perfect, her.
And I know she has her own skeletons in the closet like this one for me, but I am so utterly head over heels in love that she could say anything and I would accept it in a heart beat. And I hope that it's the same for her to me, but I know deep down it can't be. Why would she. I put on a god complex so I trick myself and others to think that I love myself unconditionally and am practically flowing with self worth. But it's all to hide that everyday I have to look at myself in the mirror and convince myself that this alien face is perceived to be attractive. Like yes I know why others are attracted to it, I see the features that people like, but I don't like them. I've grown to hate them. I've grown to loathe them. Every time I look in the mirror I don't even recognize myself. I have never been myself. I don't know who I am but it isn't this. This flesh isn't mine. This hair isn't mine. It can't be.
But it is.
I recognize that myself is me because of conditioning, but if I had to think of what I looked like. What my soul looks like. What I looked like. It wouldn't be this. Every time I dream I dream in this version of me. She isn't a model or even extremely attractive because she isn't meant to be. She is just supposed to be me. But by the time I reach consciousness I don't remember what she looks like. I can see her in my head, but I can't describe it in physical words. How could she love someone that doesn't even know herself? I'm such a jealous and hateful person in my head, not only to me but to others. I'm so mean. Being mean to myself isn't an exception, it's an expectation. I cannot find a way to like myself, some days are better. But these past few weeks everyday I have been getting worse and worse until I'm having breakdowns at 5 in the morning like right now. I hate this. I hate my life. I don't wish I was dead but I wish I wasn't here. I have 10 more months until I move out. That number seems like a blink away and I cannot tell if I'm dreadful or ecstatic. I don't want to be here but I don't want to be there either. I want time to stop and for me to just exist for a few weeks. Nothing happens. Just me. Just me existing and no consequences or changes. But no. Society had to make time exist and it fucking sucks. I have so much more to rant about but this was the gist of why I just cried (this time) if I need to rant I'll add a new chapter. Don't read these unless you don't know me or I asked you to please. I can't let too many people know that I actually have feelings.