Random thoughts by me

8/07/21- Self harm

This is mainly going to be talking about cutting, you have been warned.

I need to cut.
I haven't cut since December 2018. I was doing so good. But these past few months almost every night I have to fight the urge to cut. My wrists burn from withdrawal. It repeats constantly in my mind. I can't escape. I can't escape. Escape. E S C A P E .
I don't even know why I stopped. I didn't have a reason. I just sort of did? And I don't want to cut because I'm numb and it's the only way I can feel something, or I want to die, or anything. I just miss the feeling and the look of it. They look so pretty and I miss it. All of my scars have gone away so much only I can see them because I've looked at them for so long. And in my mind if I'm not trying to kill myself, then what's really the harm? I don't ever go over any veins. And I'm doing it for aesthetics. It's like getting a tattoo except mines free. An addiction to tattoos isn't claimed as self harm. They're addicted to the pain and look of tattoos. I'm the exact same but mine are just less societally normal. And I think my girlfriend would be disappointed in me and start checking up on me and I don't want to feel like a chore to her. Like something that can't be trusted by herself. I'm not a puppy that needs to be house trained. I am an undiagnosed neurodivergent, depressed, anxiety ridden human that is a masochist and craves the pain of the thin metal slices through my skin. My skins so thick I never really bleed that much they look like glorified paper cuts. So they never scar. So what's the harm. They go away within a few months and it gives me such joy. Why not.
Plus with me not doing it for 2 almost 3 years I'm cocky and competitive and I don't want to lose that streak, all just for "aesthetics." Usually I'm able to etch-a-sketch my bad thoughts away. But tonight I have never been closer to getting one of the razor blades and going to town. Maybe I will in the winter when I wear jackets. Maybe by then my thoughts will have subdued. Or my thoughts have ended all together. What if I die. D I E.