Changing Oneself (Entangled side story)

8, I Can't Do It

That day, during my sleep, Vanilla showed up. We were sitting on his apartment balcony again.

"Do you finally realize what you did to me?" he asked me. My stomach twisted as I remembered all the sexual discomfort I had been forced to feel once the vampires got hold of me.

"...I never did anything like that. I just scratched and bit you," I pointed out. What his vampires had done to me was ten times worse. Vanilla exhaled sharply.

"You were going to. You were going to. You would've started and kept going and going no matter how much I would've screamed for you to stop! Do you not realize that?!" he yelled at me.

I felt chastised, called out, and could feel myself shrinking away from him. I knew he was right. I had just kept telling myself that I hadn't hurt him, and so I shouldn't have to be punished for that. 

"You would've hurt me so fucking bad if those Betas hadn't wrestled you off me. You were so blind with anger and your desire for me that you didn't see me anymore. You saw a bitch to finally claim as yours. That's all I've ever been to you. You don't hold love for me," he said.

"That's not true," I retorted, locking eyes with him. "I do love you. You captivate me."

"You lust for me. You lust for what I can give you. That's not love," he replied. "You were just going to use me. This has always been about you and your plan, Malik. You don't care about anyone else, or anything else."

"That-" I began, but stopped myself. A small voice whispered, again, that he was right. From the start, as far as I could remember, my plan had always only been to benefit me, and me alone. I didn't care for anyone else's feelings. 

"At least you're starting to listen to that quieter voice. That voice knows the truth," Vanilla murmured. 

"Why do you keep talking like you know something I don't?" I demanded. Vanilla held my gaze for a long moment. His expression, plain but intense, made me figure out that he wasn't real, he was my subconscious. My subconscious talking through my mind's memory of him.

"Start listening to the truth. Stop feeding yourself lies. They're choking you."

~~~

When I woke the next night, something had changed in me. It wasn't the change everyone wanted, but it was some kind of difference. I think part of me had given up during my slumber.

Two weeks passed by. A sort of routine developed, where Ieli would wake me and have me come eat breakfast with them out on their stone balcony. Afterward, I'd bring the dishes down to the kitchens and wash them, and then I would return upstairs and hide in my room until lunch came around. I would make their lunch, which always was something basic, and then they'd eat, and I'd eat, and I'd wash the dishes again afterwards. Then after that, it was more lounging, more hiding.

Sometimes they would do stuff with me, and I never enjoyed it, but I learned to lie there and take it, because I couldn't fight back, I couldn't make them stop. Then I would accompany them to dinner, where they continued to feed me themselves, after everyone else had already eaten. Then it was bedtime.

One day out of the week I would clean their quarters and the corridor outside their door, but other than that, I had nothing to do.

I tried to avoid the other servants as much as possible, so I wouldn't have to hear their gossip and get angry enough to break one of their noses again. I tried to do what Ieli had told me, to ask myself if certain things were worth getting upset over, but every single instance seemed to justify my anger. It felt like it was always an appropriate response. But I couldn't lash out anymore. I would get punished, and I was sick of punishments. So I would hide myself away somewhere unoccupied and I would punch the air and scream into the empty space.