Major Work

July weather in Sydney is colder than usual.

I don't know if I'm feeling extremely cold due to the weather, or because of this empty feeling that dwelled upon me since I coincidentally ran into her.

As I trudge through the busy streets of Sydney CBD, my mind restlessly wanders to the wedding invitation I just received. I'm slowly losing my grip on it.

This empty feeling within me keeps getting stirred every time I think of her. It's such a sucky feeling.

You will only feel this when you have realised that you have lost something that was very important. Something that can never be recovered because 'it was too late'.

I manage to find a seat on one of the benches outside of Queen Victoria building. I didn't know that my legs were close to giving out on me.

It must be from this wedding invitation that I have been holding onto.

I stare down at this piece of paper that was weighing me down. Funny how it's light as a feather but weighs like a tonne on my heart.

Kit is getting married. To Nick.

Who is this guy? Someone she met in the States? How did they meet? How did they fall in love? Who is he? Questions keep invading my mind continuously. But one question remains, 'why did I not fight for her?'

This question weighs heavily on my mind.

Every now and then when I think of her, I question myself. 'Why did I not make her stay?'

If I was going to miss her this much then why the fuck did I let her leave.

Whenever I had thoughts like this, I made myself stay hopeful afterwards.

I told myself if I ever get the chance to see her again I swear that I would tell her I love her. I would do everything I can to prove it to her, so she knows not being with her drives me fucking crazy.

If only I can still do that. If only she wasn't getting married to another person.

I have to face my reality now. She is with somebody else. Somebody who isn't me.

My heart wrenches at the thought of this. I'm such an idiot. I could have had the chance to let her know but I was too afraid. I think I was afraid of myself.

Afraid of these eruptive feelings that grew stronger every passing day.

I feared my own self so I became a coward and ran away. I ran away from these feelings, from something that was the best thing that ever came into my life.

She was my best friend. She was someone who was very dear to me. But now, she will never be mine.

I quickly glance at my watch on my wrist and have noticed that it was almost time for the train.

I pick myself up and walk to Town Hall Station to platform 1.

I trudge past paraded bodies trying to get home during this peak hour.

One lady bumped into the person in front of her. She was too busy looking at her phone to realise that person has stopped in their tracks.

I'm trying to pick up the same pace as the people surrounding me but my legs could not go any faster.

Right now I feel like I'm the slowest person on earth who is in a race against others for the winning train to go back home.

My body is marching on auto pilot.

As soon as I arrive the train is here. I climb to the upper level of the train and sat down on the seat closest to the window.