Letters To And From

March Kade:

Dear Anth,

As promised here is my first letter. At least one a month you said. I'll need to know you're okay you said.  To which I laughed and said you are the one up rooting your life. I will need to know that YOU are okay.
Shut up Kade you said you know I'll be thinking of you everyday I'm gone.

And I have thought of you everyday since you left one month ago. Are you still thinking of me?  Three months after we first met.

I can still see the warm smile that played on your sweet lips. Even when you swore you weren't  as good as I said you were, your huge, caring and compassionate brown eyes the ones that looked at me like I was the only one there, the ones that looked at me and decided I  was as worth saving, gave you away. You are good Anth, the best kind, the selfless kind.

sometimes i swear I can still feel your soft curls brush my cheek in the middle of the night. I wake up and obviously you aren't there, sometimes I cry. but I'm reminded that you were here and one day you will be here again. And usually that's enough to make me feel okay enough to go back to sleep. Other times I play the Elvis record you gave me and it is timeless. And it does transport you to another time. You were right.

And If you need them here are my words; I often think about how much it must have taken for you to save a stranger from an window ledge and then uproot your life when no one else  could or would. But you did it without a second thought because that's who you are. The bravest and most compassionate person I know.

Life here, though it sucks without you.. has still gone on. Year 12 has started and it's this weird frenzy of nerves and excitement. Teachers keep telling us this will be the most challenging year of your lives. But they are wrong and I want to pull them up every time and say no!
Anth' s year is going to be more challenging that anyone here can imagine and Being there in someone's last moments is way more important than some number we will be presented with at the end of the year.

I'm okay. I still don't know who I am. I still don't know what I'm doing but I'm okay because I know you.
Mum likes to remind me that I'm just a confused young boy that needs to find my way back to god. You remember how sick that made me feel but I was okay because you got me like no one else did.

I still don't know if I feel comfortable being gendered. But that's okay.. right? I can just be Kade, maybe till I work it out or maybe forever because when I'm just Kade I don't have to follow any rules set by either gender. I'm just Kade, and Kade does what they think is right for them. Day to day.

But anyway sweet Anth, I hope that your grandpa is doing well. Sending all my love and well wishes.
And I hope more than anything that you are doing okay. And that we can find our way back to each other.. someday.

Love Always, Kade
Xx