"Bernardo, Zarina Joyce... Cumlaude!" the professor finally said my name.
The audience clapped. But mostly, my friends who were seated beside me cheered on me...at sobrang saya ko nung hinawakan ni Papa ang kamay ko at sabay kaming umakyat sa stage.
As I saw the crowd, just below me, and while the medal is being placed around my neck, I felt joy and at the same time, pressure na kailangan I have to do better in life. Kailangan magkaroon na ako ng maganda at bonggang trabaho. I gazed at my Papa's smile, I knew it's a smile of success, a smile of happiness na sa wakas, graduate na ako, and I graduated fulfilling his wish na sana for the last time, aakyat ulit kami sa stage pag gagraduate na ako ng college, so in short, natupad ko yung pangarap niya na magcumlaude ako Kasi, since elementary, I gained awards. Yes, an achiever and a lot of it. At ang kasama ko sa lahatng pagtanggap sa mga 'yon ay ang papa ko. So he wished n asana sa huli, makakaakyat pa rin kami. So I did worked hard for it, and here it is now. Nasa harap ko na ulit ang crowd.
At pagkatapos naming magpicture taking and everything, I started building the dreams I want. I planned and envisioned my future, that I will take my Master's Degree and soon, my Ph.D. Kinilig while getting back to my seat, I smiled with excitement kasi alam kong kaya ko yun gawin.
So always remember, if there is something that you want in life.
Work hard for it. Believe in yourself.
But...
That was before. Kasi nama—
"Za!!! Yung mga damit mo dito na halos two weeks na nakatambak sa basket nangangamoy na! Ano bang ginagawa mo diyan, labas!"
Sigaw ni mama from the kitchen I think? Nasa loob ako ng kuwarto ko, and I am currently fixing it kasi para na siyang isang dekadang pinabayaan na ng may-ari (HAHAHA). So upon fixing it, I stumbled upon my graduation picture last 2018. Alikabok dito, kalat dito, nah ever since I've started working napabayaan ko na ang kuwartong to where I used to study a lot every night, at hindi lang yun, I have lots of laundry na tinatamad akong gawin, and yes I remember, hindi ko pa nasimulang itupi yung mga underwear ko and yung mga kalalaba lang na damit ko last week.
"Oo na, tapusin ko lang to!" I said while opening the door.
I responded mula sa pintuan and after that sinara ko na ulit...(with a little harsh force, kasi nababadtrip ako). I looked around my room, while sitting down on the floor, desperately trying to get the broom in my hands. Naramdaman ko ulit yung sadness and pressure. I grabbed my ponytail at inumpisahan kong itali yung buhok ko. And I realized, hindi pa pala ako naligo.
I looked at the mess, at lahat ng pangyayari sa buhay ko, unti-unting nagsink in. As I looked upon my room, I said to myself. Hindi ito yung buhay na pinagarap ko. It's been three years, wala pa akong nararating. Wala pa akong napapatunayan sa parents ko. The pressure is still on. Pero ako matagal nang tumigil sa pagkayod. Hinahanap ko yung joy na naramdaman ko nung grumaduate ako. I am tracing back the energy I had before. Bakit biglang humirap yung buhay? Bakit biglang nagbago? Bakit bigla akong nawalan ng gana?
Pero, I know the reason behind it.
I really can't figure out what the hell I want really in life, ano ba talaga yung gusto kong gawin. Yung hindi lang siya trabaho sana, kundi yung pangarap talaga.
I thought that was it.
I got lost in my life.
I felt stocked.
I sighed. As I grabbed the photos, a little tiny drop of tears fell in my cheeks. Namimiss ko na yung dati kong vibe sa mundo. I missed how I see life before as a series of mystery and fairytale.
I thought becoming a professor was my dream.
I thought having my PH.D is what I really want.
But that dream drained me.
Not until I experienced working as a Teacher sa college at a young age of 21 and after that, nagresign din ako after one year and 6 months.
I started questioning my purpose.
Di ako masaya.
Yun lang.
May gusto akong gawin, alam ko yun.
Pero di ko pa alam.
I am still figuring things out.
Can you give me time, please?
Minutes passed, and while fixing my room, tumunog yung notifications sa phone ko. Dali-dali kong binuksan and it was an update from a page na nilike ko sa facebook the other day. Napadalas na kasi ang pagtutok ko sa social media these days dahil wala pa akong trabaho.
I saw a post of an artist.
A simple but successful freelancer and graphic artist na gumagawa ng mga art works and she was able to earn a lot and enough. Besides that,
She was happy doing it.
I scrolled and scrolled.
At dun na nagsimula, na unti-unti ko nang nakikita yung purpose ko. Yung bagay na gusto kong gawin.
And it was simple.
To pursue art, because it has always been.
Pero wait, hindi lang ganito ang laman ng kuwentong to.
Mahilig ka ba sa games?
You know Mobile Legends?
Gusto mo rin kiligin?
Yie. Charot lang.
