Letters To And From

April Kade:

Dear Sweet Anth,

There was so much pain in your letter and I felt all of it. Which makes me realise that you are half of me too Anth. And I feel lost without you here.. I truly am missing half of myself.

At the same time my heart is warmed hearing that I've helped you in whatever way. But you have to give yourself more credit for how strong you are. You were strong enough to walk away from a life that you were just starting to feel comfortable with to help your grandpa. I know you'll say you didn't have a choice and I know that but it takes a strong person to be doing what you are doing.

And when the cancer takes your grandpa mentally you will get through it. And I'll be here to pick you up.. if you need me too.

Im going to get real with you now because I don't know who else I can be real with other than you. I don't want to burden you.. and if I do feel free to stop writing me. I'll understand that you don't need this right now.

My mum is threatening if I don't "find my way back to god soon" she'll kick me out on the street and I'm scared Anth.. I don't know how much of it is a threat to scare me back into line and how much of it is actually serious. She brought it up at the start of the month and it's been a few weeks since then and she hasn't said another thing about it. But I'm still scared.
I've been avoiding her, staying late at school which is actually helping me to study more but I don't think that's the point here.. I'm scared to be me anymore Anth.

It was easier when you were here to back me up. I felt like I could unapologetically be Kade.. who didn't conform. They just were Kade. But I don't know if I can do that anymore. Maybe I just have to be who she wants me to be so she'll be happy and I'll be safe.
But it feels so wrong Anth, the boy Kade isn't me.
I am they!

On a lighter note, do you remember when you stole your mum's make up because I told you I wanted to see what it felt like to wear it. Of course you do. You dragged me into your ensuite and put sparkling eyeliner under my eyes. And told me that this is how you see me when I said I loved it. You told me that I sparkle with or without it but you loved that I could see myself the way you see me.

Well I was out at the shopping centre we used to frequent with a girl from my class Drew, who I'm doing an art project with and we were buying supplies when I noticed she was wearing sparkling eyeliner! I complimented her on it and in a moment of  rare openness I told her I wished I could wear it again.

She said why can't you? I didn't have an answer instead I told her the story I just told you about and after telling me how awesome, sweet and supportive she thought you were. She dragged me into a make up shop and bought me the liquid eyeliner she uses and told me not to be afraid to be me.

It was a brief moments break from worrying about being homeless. And I think you would like Drew too, I hope the three of us can hang out one day.

I miss you Anth and I hope you are doing okay out there. Just remember that I'll always be out here, yours and never wavering. You never have to worry about losing me because I'll always want you, flaws and all!
Just like you want me flaws and all! You've seen me in my darkest hour and still wanted me too.

I miss you like a heart misses a beat.

Love Always, Kade
Xx