If I Ever Become An Option [ONE-SHOT/REVISED VERSION]

If I Ever Become An Option

Being in a relationship is a wonderful feeling if the love you receive is something that you deserve. Before I entered a relationship, I swore not to love a man that will only make me feel worthless. I desire to be loved, valued, and respected, because those are what I deserve to feel.

Everything’s good at first where I thought he wouldn’t make me cry, but what he did was worse than that — he made me question my worth every single night. And, I knew better, if a man makes me feel unworthy, he isn’t worthy for me too.

Settling with a man like him will surely gain me nothing, but pain. This is the kind of lesson I have learned upon my recent break-up.

I was put in a situation where I became an option. Most people, especially our colleagues and friends did not expect that the reason for our break-up was a third-party, as they prefer to call it. Buong akala nila ay hindi niya ako magagawang lokohin, but little did they know… the third party was not the problem — it was him and his lying schemes.

When he made the decision to cheat on me, he had also made the decision for our break-up. I do love him, after all, we wouldn’t last long if I don’t.

But, is love really enough to make a person stay? It’s hilarious if the answer is yes. Because, if it is, why is someone not yet content to be loved? Why is there a need for intimacy? At, kung hindi mo maibigay, maghahanap ng iba.

We were in a long distance relationship for two years. Even so, it was not an enough reason to meet his demand to find someone else. Unless we broke up but we didn’t. He promised me one thing while we were apart – he will wait for me. I am a fool to believe that his promise means he would never find someone else.

Well, maybe he got bored in the process of waiting so he chose to find someone else?

And, even though I love him, I won’t let him make me feel worthless. If I ever become an option, I will leave, no matter the circumstances. Pero kapag nandoon ka na pala sa sitwasyon na iyon, mahirap ng umalis dahil handa kang masaktan ng paulit-ulit para sa taong mahal mo... I fought this feeling and became happy with the result.

Mag-si-sinungaling ako kung sasabihin kong hindi ako nag-dalawang isip na tanggapin pa siya at kung hindi ako nasaktan sa ginawa niya. The emotional pain he caused me was too much that I wasn’t able to get it through the day. Nawalan ako ng gana mabuhay, I still needed to remind myself that my world doesn’t revolve around him. I have a life that needs to be lived, with or without his presence.

Of course, it is impossible not to give him a piece of my heart after spending three years with him. I know that a part of me will always love him… but I need to take care of the parts that he had left broken dahil walang iba ang makaka-ayos noon kung hindi ang sarili ko lang.

When I found out that he cheated, he apologized… a lot of times, as if it can fix my shattered heart. But I knew better. He’s only saying sorry, because he has been caught… not because he was truly sorry for what he did.

“I don’t care about your apologies,” malamig kong tugon. “Your apologies are useless, it can never undo what you did, and it can never take away my pain!”

My tears fell down like a waterfall, but I didn’t sob, I only wiped it aggressively. I refused to look this weak and pathetic in front of him, but my emotions are way too strong, I can’t barely contain it.

Hindi niya alam kung saan ako hahawakan dahil lumalayo ako, o ‘di kaya ay tinatabig ang mga kamay niya. Ang mga kamay na may nahawakan ng iba na dapat ako lang.

“Iiwan ko naman siya e. I swear, I didn’t mean it. It was a mistake. Ikaw lang naman ang pipiliin ko. Ikaw lang…” he almost pleaded.

He keeps on muttering that he will choose me. He is begging me not to break up with him. Kung pipiliin niya talaga ako… at kung ako lang talaga, umpisa pa lang, dapat hindi na siya naghanap ng iba. There is no need to if he already has me. Pero hindi siya nakuntento sa ‘kin at naghanap ng init sa ibang babae. Hindi niya natiis ang layo ng distansiya namin kaya pumili siya ng malapit.