Letters To And From

September Kade:

It's the first day of spring and I have just left the principals office having basically pulled off getting a mental health sabbatical from the rest of year 12.

Principal Addison had basically told me she was expecting this. She assured me that she would support me to complete what I haven't completed next year with next years year 12s.

Honestly it's a load off. And I should have done this sooner. I probably could have saved myself a mental breakdown or one hundred. Could have saved myself a trip to the psych ward and some pretty heartbreaking letter exchanges with Anth.

But I can't dwell too much on what could have been because despite everything Anth still wants me. He wants me to be by his side every day. And that thought alone stops the crippling anxiety from taking over yet again.

Drew leads me out to her car. Her tan brown skin is glowing in the early spring sun and her short cropped brown bob is moving with the wind. Her face is sad but not in an all is lost kind of way.

"I'll miss you." She says. As I sit in the passenger seat of her now familiar red Holden yute that always smells of coffee and cinnamon donuts from our after school drives. "But you couldn't keep going like this Kade." She pauses and takes my hand. "Even if Anth hadn't asked you to I would have suggested you taking a break, I probably should have suggested it a lot sooner." Her gaze drop into her lap.

"That was never your responsibility Drew." I say to her, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. She gives me a sad smile and starts the car. She looks like she wants to argue with me but decides on a topic change instead.

"Have you got everything you need?" She asks.
I nod and take a glance over my shoulder at my huge bag on the passenger seat. "And he's meeting us at the station to take the train with you?" She presses.

This she insisted on, she denies it but I know she doesn't want me to be alone even for a second and I can't blame her.
I'm a risk to myself and I know it.

And it's not like I was gonna complain. The more time with Anth I can get is more than I could ever ask for. My heart is full for the first time since he left.. my body is doing all these weird fidgety things like it's also anticipating seeing Anth again. I can't wait. And I can't believe he still wants me.

"Yes." I say with a smile. Drew smiles.
"You must be so excited to see him." She says.

"You have no idea." I reply.
But my fingers absentmindedly trace the still sore cut on my wrist and I wince. Drew pulls my fingers away from my wrist without even taking her eyes off the road and She laces her fingers through mine.
"Just look forward, not back." Her voice is almost a whisper as we pull up in the station car park.

She doesn't let me take the bag off the seat. I would have protested but Drew is so surprisingly strong she doesn't even struggle with it.

"There he is Kade." Drew says suddenly.
I look up and sure enough there he is! Sitting on a bench on outside the station.

He is a beautiful as I remember, maybe even more so. His dark brown curls have grown a bit and now frame his face. I take in his gorgeous olive skin, those brown soul deep eyes. I missed him more than I could ever have imagined.

When we are close enough I call out to him.
"Anth!" My voice sounds more calm and a cheerful than it has.. since the day he left.

His gaze shifts immediately up to meet mine and he all but grins when he sees me. Before I know it he's running over and I've almost tripped into his arms.

"Kade, oh my gosh. Thank goodness." I feel the relief coming off him in waves that hit me too.
"Anth, I've missed you so much.." I barely get out before I start crying.
And when he releases me I catch tear that has escaped his eye with my finger. He just smiles and says;
"I missed you more."

Drew is watching us with a warm grin on her face. Anth suddenly notices her and offers her his hand to shake. But she surprises him and pulls him into a hug. They don't say anything to each other in that moment but I think I see a connection being born anyway.

Drew turns to me now and there's tears in her eyes. "please check in with me if you can, just to let me know you are okay?" She says wiping the tears from her cheeks as they fall.

"Of course." I say as I hug her.
"Good." She says. "Now go catch that train before you miss it." She's sobbing now and it's contagious. Anth just watches us with a warm smile playing on his lips.
"love you Kade."
"Love you Drew." And she literally high tails it back to the car park and I watch her go.

Anth wraps his arm around my waist though and I feel calm. It's hard to explain but his touch and his presence just do that to me.. he feels like how it should feel to come home.

We walk out onto the platform stealing glances at each other in a brief comfortable silence.

"I can't believe you're here." He says pulling me into his lap after we take our seats on the train.
He is smiling but his eyes look sad. And my heart aches thinking about what I must have put him through when he is already going through hell with his grandpa.

"I'm so sorry for everything.. for freaking out on you, for disappearing on you, for disappointing you.. but most of all I'm sorry I hurt you because that's the one thing I never wanted to do." I say.

He is quiet for a moment before I realise he's crying. I shift gently so I'm facing him and then I hug him. I hold on to him so tight because there's no way I'm letting this angel out of my sight ever again.