Letters To And From

Anth's Secret (Kade's POV):

A few weeks go by and a steady state of calm has settled over the house. Aristotle is in a good place mentally and physically. He's shared a lot with me about his relationship with Harry and also his relationship with Anth's grandma who died a few years ago.

Anth complains about what a horrible person she was. Telling us how she used to through her shoes at him when he was "bad"
I tell him to be nice. And Aristotle just laughs.

"It was never a good relationship but Anth, you wouldn't have been born otherwise." He laughs.
Anth mutters under his breath thinking I can't hear him but I do.
"Would that have been such a bad thing."
I hit his arm.
"Hey!" He says.
"Don't say shit like that." I say keeping my voice down.
"You either." He says a little too seriously and it's like a gut punch. He covers it up with a wry smile and rolls his eyes.
"Lucky I love you." I say in sort of a mock frustration. He laughs and tussles my hair.
"Lucky I love you too." He then pokes my nose. And I give him a cheesy grin.

Aristotle pretty much melts into the floor.
"Any cuter and I might vomit." But he is laughing and looking at us with that warm smile we both know so well.

Later on while Aristotle is sleeping and Anth takes a walk to the store. I'm cleaning our room. It's not that we are too messy. Anth just likes to throw his clothes on the end of the bed or on the floor. Okay so he's a little messy and I'm sort of pedantic. What of it.

I dust the book shelf. Admiring Anth's collection of queer books. There's sort of a jealous pang in my chest because I couldn't keep mine. Anything remotely queer would be burnt by my mum. So I caught on and would take trips to the library.. Matilda style. Never borrowing books though just sitting in the library's reading area. Alone.

I start sweeping the floor. Under the desk, on the floor mat under the floor mat, under the bed. Clang. What was that. I run the broom under there again for good measure.
Clang. Clang.

I put the broom down and lay on the floor on my stomach. And I'm not quite prepared for what I see.

Under the bed are two empty bottles of Jack Daniels. Beside them in a cardboard box there is mouthwash and chewing gum.
Anger surges through me. He thinks he is gonna hide this from me. Me and Aristotle.

And then I feel sad because he must be struggling more than I'd let on. No! I'm mad and I'm not going to sit here and cry on the floor. This is not okay!

I think about going to Aristotle but I decide it's better I talk to Anth first.

I sit on the couch and attempt to keep calm. I trace my left hand with my right fingers. This distracts me temporarily. Before I'm tracing the now scar on my wrist. Demons. I know a thing or two about the demons that live inside your head. That live inside Anth's head. I hate that he is giving into them. But who am I to talk.. I make a promise with myself not to come down too hard on him. But when he walks through the door all that goes out the door behind him.

"You want to tell me something? Coz I'll give you a chance right now." I can't help it I'm yelling at him. He looks confused and sort of stunned as he drags me out to the backyard.

"Can you not yell in the house. Grandpa is under enough stress as it is." His voice takes on a frustrated tone. He is holding my wrist. I fling him off.

"Don't make excuses.. and don't fucking change the subject!" I yell at him. Now he matches my anger.

"What the fuck are you on about?"

"You very well know what the fuck I'm on about Anthony! Or are you going to make me say it?!" The anger is surging through me and I'm probably gonna pull my own hair out.

This look comes over his face and I think he knows he's been caught. Fear. The look is fear. And I feel sick. But I'm still angry because he doesn't admit it. He just stands there.

"You're actually making me say this. I can't believe you. I found your stash and your box of cover ups! I know you've been drinking again! What I don't get is why you are keeping this from ME." My voice starts to break up towards the end of my little speech. But I refuse to cry.. now is not the time Kade. Stay angry.

But the pain and hurt in his face breaks me anyway. Well fuck.
"I thought I could manage it on my own, you know moderation.. control. All those things.." his voice trails off. His turn to pull his own hair out.

"That's not how addiction works." My voice is this pained yell and I hate it but he needs to hear it.

"I know.. okay!!" He yells and then brings his voice down it's not calmer is just cruel and stings me to my core. "I know Kade. But you know nothing about addiction. You can sit there and tell me that you have demons too but YOU will never get THIS."

I don't know how to deal with this Anth. I've dealt with drunk and won't stop crying Anth. But this Anth is cruel. I love him even the worst parts of him but that doesn't mean I know how to deal with this right now. But I'm going to try the best I can.

"Then let me in, let me understand. Let me help you." I try. I reach for his hand but he retracts it. And shows me a third half empty this time bottle of Jack Daniels.

"You could never understand this." His eyes well up but he takes a few more swigs from the bottle. I react fast snatching the bottle and tipping the remains into the grass.
He looks angry for a brief second before he falls down into the grass and cries. He curls himself up into a ball.

And this is the Anthony I've dealt with before. It doesn't make it easier. But at-least I know what to do. I get on the ground beside him and pull him into me with His head on my chest. I run my fingers through his curls that are wet with sweat and tears. I gently massage his head with my fingers. Anything I can do to relieve his pain.

"I'm breaking up with you." He says through sobs. I don't think I've heard him correctly so I don't respond.

"Kade? I can't do this to you. And I can't be the boyfriend you need me to be right now. I can't be strong. I can't be reliable." He says. I know this is real now.

"I don't need strong, I don't need reliable. I just need you."