Letters To And From

Realisation: Kade:

There was only one way I was going to get sleep. I knew I had to write it all down and put it out of my head. I checked my watch. 3am. Of course.
I started writing:

I kissed my best friend's brother. And I liked it.. what does that mean?
Fin's cute sure.. but was it just a moment of weakness? It had to be right?
But I liked it. And I keep thinking about it.
I don't want to do it again.. but then I wouldn't stop him if he did.
This is bad.

I love Anth though. I know I do.
Anth wants to be better for me. He wants to get better so we can be together. But I wanted him just the way he was. I still do.
I don't want some perfect ideal. I don't want Anth to feel like he has to fix himself to be with me.. I just want him. God I miss him already.

So Fin was a moment of weakness. Just me wanting closeness with someone. To be there right in the moment with someone. Fin likes me and I used him. I am truly and completely awful.

Suddenly there's a knock at my door.
"Come in." I say. It's Fin. I'm stomach nearly flips on it self but I manage not to vomit.

He looks wrecked. His eyes are sad but he still smiles at me.
"Couldn't sleep." I ask him. He nods.
"Well I need to talk to you anyway." He nods again and goes to sit on the couch in the corner.

"Come sit here. Next me. I owe you that much." I say. He hesitates for a second but it's beside me on the bed. He studies my face and doesn't seem to like what he sees. He scrunches his face a little.

"You are going to tell me how much of a mistake kissing me was.. aren't you?" His voice is small. Almost a whisper. "Before you do I want you to know that was my first kiss and it meant.. everything to me." He says.

Oh wow I took his first kiss. I am truly and completely awful times like infinity.
I rack my brain for a way to say this without breaking his heart.. but I know there's no way around this.

"Wow, your first kiss. I'm such an asshole. I know you don't want me to flatter you but I'm going to anyway Fin. Someday you are going to find someone who loves you more than they can bare! And you deserve to find someone that does. And I'm sorry it can't be me." I say.

He nods along while I'm talking and I know he's not looking up at me because he'll cry if he does. That is one of my tricks.

"You love Anthony. I knew that going in. But if that's true then why kiss me the second time?" He still doesn't look up.

"You really want to know the answer to that?"
"I do."
"It was a moment of weakness.. weakness sounds bad." I add when he winces. "Anthony feels like he has to fix himself for me. And he wants no contact with me while he does that. I guess you just opened up this vulnerable place in me. Made me feel a closeness that I didn't know I was craving. But I don't for a second want you to think I'm making excuses for myself. I used you and I feel awful about that. You're just this beautiful ball of sunshine that deserves so much better than what I did to you."

He looks up and he smiles.
"You think I'm Beautiful?" He says with a blush. I nod. He shrugs that off and says.
"I get it Kade, I do. I'm not mad. I don't think I'm the type person that stays mad. I actually consider myself pretty lucky that my first kiss was with you. You may not love me but you respect me. And I don't think everyone gets that."

Fin's got so much to learn about the world. He's got this pure naivety about him. And it's horrible to think someone, someday is going to take that from him and destroy it.

I'll do my best to protect him from it but I think it's inevitable.
While I'm in me head at some point Fin fell asleep. I smile and the quilt over him.
Someday someone better love that boy with everything they have. Because if they don't I'll never forgive the world.