the impact

the impact >em willet

Sneaking out for teenagers is usually a way to get away. To get away from stress, control, anxiety. A way to express yourself and have fun, the first few times it was going well, but little did I know the next time I snuck out all of my nightmares were going to come true. They didn't just come true, they hit me like a god damn train going as fast as it could possibly ever go. At fourteen I trusted him, with everything in me but then in the blink of an eye it was gone, just like when you're walking on the tracks and don't hear the train from a far and all of a sudden you notice and your life flashes before your eyes, yeah that happened, but look I'm still here. He took advantage of my trust. Advantage of me. Advantage of everything. I walked down the stairs. Out the window. Then there I was walking down the tracks with a heavy feeling in my chest. Filled with fear. Knowing something was going to happen but not knowing what. Knowing after saying yes to him I was now going to have to say no, again. I saw him. We talked. Okay, going well. No I lied, its not going well. He says hi, but then he begins begging again. for sex. It's not anything new, but it grows old, as everything does. He said, "how do we start this, I'm not kissing you, that's disgusting". I said, this isn't a good idea, I don't want to do this. He continued begging for about fifteen minutes and wouldn't stop. I said I don't want to do this, I don't want to ruin our friendship. He brushed it off saying "you'll be fine, it won't ruin our friendship, don't be a pussy, it'll be plus one on the body count". I chuckled nervously saying I don't want to do this. He didn't care, not a single bit. He then told me to take my pants off. I laughed again, in fear saying no I don't know what I'm doing. He gets to the ground, showing me the position to get in. I said, I don't want to do this can we just hangout. He said no while pushing me to the ground, slapping me, aggressively. I was shaking in panic. I sat there on my knees, while he carried on with ripping my pants off as i continued to tell him no, but he didn't listen. He kept going. Shoving me into the position. Now I'm crying. Trying to say no, but nothing will come out. He then hands me the condom as I'm on my knees, shaking. He says, oh yeah why am I handing you this you're not going to take it. He put it on. I knew what was happening, but also not processing a single thing that's happening. He shoves me down, slapping me again but this time harder as he shoves himself inside of me. I'm crying in pain, in fear. Trying to fight back. I pushed him, it didn't do anything, he kept doing it. Was it in my head? Is this real? Is this the way it's supposed to be? I didn't know, I was a fourteen year old virgin. What was happening? Oh wait, is something dripping. Is it blood? bodily fluids? or is he finished? It was blood, he wasn't finished yet. He kept going while I keep attempting to push him away. He finishes. He takes the condom off, and sits there. I then get up shaking. Crying. I walk off. Quickly. Trying to run, but I cant. I'm in to much pain. He gets up, pulling his pants up quickly. Calling "Emma" as I'm walking away. I'm scared he's going to do more, so I look back. He says, come here. I walk closer but still a distance away. He comes closer and hugs me saying, "I love you, we're still best friends". I say it back, and as I walk away he asks if I will go have sex with his friend too. I said I don't know, because I was scared, but no I'm going home. I walk away. Walking home on the tracks as I'm shaking, crying. I run, no matter the pain. I'm scared. Im contemplating everything, i took advantage of the life I was given before my life was ruined. As I got home. I went to the bathroom, laying on a towel on the floor as I bled, for hours. He took my virginity, like he owned it. I was panicking. What just happened? Why'd I let it happen? Is it my fault? Is this how sex is supposed to be? No, Emma. It's not. It's not something that should be normal, but now it's my normal. About a month goes by, I'm hiding it. A few friends know, but they think we just had sex, but it wasn't. My mom found out I snuck out with him, my best friend. I told her we had sex. She screamed and yelled so I had to tell her what actually had happened. She understood. She somewhat helped me. Fast forward to a few months later, it happened again but with a different person. I was Frozen. Lost. Empty. So I tried to take my life. Now I'm in the hospital, for three nights. I get released. I went home and tried to kill myself, again. Now I'm at the psych ward, for a month. I'm back now. It wasn't good I got sexually assaulted by three different people there. Now I'm worse. Oh god am I worse. Im done. Im gone, but here I am. Im still here. Living, but not alive. I feel dead, but I feel to much to be dead. What am I? Im lost. Where am I? It's getting worse. Im still reliving every moment of everything. Sleep used to be my escape but now I don't have one. Sleep? No!! here's nightmares. What the fuck. Let me sleep. Let me be okay for one fucking minute. Please. I'm still alive. I'm living, maybe one day I'll be okay.