Breathe

Part 6

It's happening again. I hate this feeling. I can't stop crying.

Why am I so pathetic? I have no reason to be crying. I wish I had someone who could just calm me down, but I don't. I need something
Something to distract me from this, from everything that I'm feeling. I don't even know how to put what I'm feeling in words and I hate that. All I can do is cry myself to sleep...

The next morning when I wake up, I'm drenched in sweat. Again. This is really getting old.

I decide to check my phone. Sure enough, messages from Darius that pisses me off along with two missed calls.

"Wanna be nasty on the phone"

"Baby"

"Answer the phone"

I'm not even gonna reply to that. Who asks "to be nasty" on the phone. He still barely even knows me. I really shouldn't be with him. Our first outing was in the library. The library. I'm so pitiful.

After dwelling in deep thought, I get up and get ready for my trip to hell. Also known as school. On my way to school, I decide to text Darius back.

"I was sleep. And you need to stop asking me about phone sex."

He replies instantly. "Why tho you my girl"

I honestly don't like the feeling of him calling me that. So why am I even still with him. Once again, I'm so pitiful. I know he has a girlfriend. I'm not stupid, I saw the stuff on his instagram page, I just chose to ignore it.

I decide to reply to him

"I know what you want from me"

He responds "What you talkin about"

"I know that you have a girlfriend and you're pretending that you want me when all you really want is to get off"

"That's not alll I want you a cool person and all"

"Whatever. Why are you cheating on your girlfriend? If you don't want her you should break up with her not play with her emotions."

"Mannn I don't wanna talk about this"

"Yea, we don't have to talk about anything."

I don't want to continue the conversation and I honestly never wanna talk to him again. I never really cared anyways.

Once I'm inside the school, I decide to go to breakfast. Of course, Jim shows up. He doesn't say anything, he just sits and eats.

"Wassup" I ask kind of confused by his actions.

"Nothing."

Why is he cheesing so hard? "What is wrong with you?"

"We're friends, right?" He asks way too happily

"Yess"

"I mean we're just friends, right?"

"Yes" I say again only I'm suspicious this time. I had alot of feelings for him, but he could never do right by me so hopefully we can be better as friends

"Well I met this girl." He says. "She doesn't go to this school, but I like her alot."

"Oh really? That's great." I say pretending to care about his potential love life

"Yea I just hope that eventually she'll feel the same way about me as I do about her."

"Yea." I'm kind of uncomfortable. "I should go to class now." I say and leave

I hope that wasn't rude of me, but I felt kind of suffocated.

As soon as I enter my classroom, I see Kris and Bianca. I instantly sit at the table wih them and tell them about my version of a break up with Darius. I didn't exactly tell him we were broken up, but I know that he can take a hint.

When lunch comes around, I can't eat. I feel sick. I can't go home though. I don't like missing school. I decide to deal with it for the rest of the day.

When I get home, I begin looking for my mom. I don't know where she could be.

"She isn't here." her shady boyfriend says

I know it's rude but I don't respond to him. Instead I go in my room and lock my door. I feel tense. Too tense. I know exactly how to fix it. Porn. I don't finger myself or anything because I honestly don't know how to. I just lay on my side and grind against my hand until I feel a release. I always feel embarrassed after I do this even though I know I'm the only one around. Maybe one day I'll have a guy to help me with more of a sexual experience. A nice guy that I can actually see myself going somewhere with. But maybe not. I wouldn't want me if I was a guy, why would I expect anyone else to want me.

Anyways, after I'm done I end up doing it one more time before falling asleep.

The rest of the week flies by. Darius texts me a few times, but of course, I don't reply. Kris has been kind of wrapped up in Sam the last few days, but I don't mind. It must be nice though. Being with someone she enjoys who can distract her from any horrible thoughts she may have had. Bianca and I are happy for her and they're good together. Hopefully he doesn't mess things up for them because honestly, it seems like they have a lot of potential.

I'm waiting on Bianca to come pick me up so we can go to the mall. Of course, all I have is twenty dollars which is alot for me considering the fact that I don't get money. I need to get a job. Asap. The sound of Bianca's horn alarms me. I rush outside and hop into her vehicle.

On our way there, she tells me about how crazy her dad and her mom are. I love her parents. They do alot for me and they're so funny. She also tells me about how her cousin is coming from Florida to stay with them for a while. I don't talk much, just listen.

Once we arrive, we head straight for GirlTyme. It's one of her favorite stores. I've never wore anything from here. This stuff wouldn't look right on me anyways and the clothes are made for people smaller than me. Once we leave there, we just walk around.

Many of the boys have been eyeing Bianca, but she doesn't seem to notice.
We end up in a shoe store. She's trying on some high heels while I have my eye on these boots. Suddenly, this girl appears out of nowhere.

"These are a fine pair of boots. I think I found my match."

I myself giggling. She looks familiar. Like I know her from somewhere. "You look familiar. " I tell her

She takes a look at me. "Well I'm new in this city, I think I've seen your around school. I'm new at Lakeside."

"Ohhh yea, that explains it." I tell her. She seems cool. "I'm Ashley." I tell her

"I'm Maya. It's nice to meet you."

I begin searching for Bianca to introduce her to Maya. I see her smiling as she walks my way.

"Hey Maya." Bianca says

"Hey girl. I didn't know you were gonna be here."

"Yea I'm just here shopping with my girl, Ashley. I see you two have met."

I laugh "Yea she's cool."

Maya is really pretty. She has light skin and a nice body. She seems sweet too.

Bianca invites her to the food court with us to eat. We end up talking and laughing at almost everything and it's alot of fun. I really like Maya. I hope we can become good friends.