My (true) story: i have an eating disorder!!

I'm fourteen years old and my name is Sophie French (you can add me on Facebook if you need someone to talk to if you have an eating disorder, it's a pic of a girl in denim shirts and a black shirt with the USA flag in it) I have heaps of friends in school and out of school. I also have a boyfriend, Tim, who I've been going out with for almost a year now. (He's the best bf ever!) I was one of the top students in my class last year, which my parents were really proud of. I'm vegetarian, and I have been for almost two years now. I love my sport, I play soccer and touch footy and I made it to the third level of cross country and athletics. I loved to sing and my um was helping me with my singing because she's a music teacher and a great singer. Anyone who met me would think that I was completely happy.....

It all started in when I was in year six, when I started to dread my weight, even though I was still one if the lightest. But I had gained quite a bit that year. But I didn't think much more of it. In year seven, I still thought of my weight the same, having gained even more! I tried dieting but that didn't work because my mum didn't know I was dieting.

At the end if term four when I was in year eight, I don't know how I thought of it, I just started to do it. I made myself purge. But only a little bit came up. Then, I thought I should keep doing this! I googled it of course and I red about the damage, but I made it so I would only do it of a maximum twice a week. But i rarely did it. We soon had to pick our sport and I talked my friends into doing fitness spot with me because I thought it would be a good way to lose weight. By this point I hated my fat belly and my stupid muffin top. I once got a huge headache because I sucked in all day!

One day at sport my best friend Molly (we had known each other since kindergarten) asked I If she could talk to me privately. She whispered in my ear, 'Don't judge me, but I've been making myself throw up.' I couldn't believe it! We had been doing the exact same thing!

'Omg! I've already done that too!' I replied. We both couldn't believe that these past few weeks we had been doing the same thing. It was good to have someone to talk to. Someone who wouldn't judge me. Someone who knew how I felt. This was our secret.

I was determined to lose weight. Fitness spot was working:

In week three I weighed 45kg. My BMI being 20.8.

In week four, I weighed 44kg. BMI: 20.4

In week five I weighed 43kg. BMI; 19.9(my weight loss may also be due to eating celery and carrot for recess and lunch and if I wasn't hungry I wouldn't eat).

In week six, I weighed 42kg. BMI:19.4

In week seven, I weighed 41kg. BMI:19.9

In week eight I weighed 40kg. BMI: 18.3. It was finally classified as underweight! I was starting to become more happier about my weight.

At one point I didn't eat anything at school at all and I had started eating one wheat biscuit instead of two or I had a kiwi fruit or an apple for breakfast. But I couldn't get away with missing out on dinner. And I can't help myself when it comes to dessert!

I once got down to 39kg, but it was only for a day. I was maintaining my weight a around 40kg-41kg. At this stage, my friend Molly was still 44kg. She hadn't lost as much as me. But she was determined too and I knew that she would get there. Molly also measures her waist. I would by I don't have a tape so I'm about to make one out of paper strips.

I began to exercise more. Star jumps before my shower. 10 situps, 10 leg raises, 10 leg raises (touch toes one) 20 cross body crunches, (10 on each side). I would do those exercises in bed and repeat it 4-8 times.

Molly and I had a sleepover at my place one night. We went for a three km run in the afternoon, stopping twice. It was so hot so we ran through the sprinkler for ages. When we ate dinner, we discovered this knew thing which meant bit purging as much. You chew your food, get the flavour then spit it out. We spat it out into to tissues and put them in the bin, we also spat it into the toilet which luckily it flushed.

When we got hungry we would eat chewy to take our mind off things. Also, the next morning we went for a run at six am.

That was when Molly asked me, 'Do I know your biggest secret?'

'yes, it's about my purging disorder.' I whispered. Molly was the only one that knew.

'My biggest secret is that I used to cut myself.'

I didn't know how to react. At the time it was I thought of it as a disgrace and couldn't understand why she would do that. but I soon understood...

Anyway, my boyfriend Tim and we met up at the lake. We went and bought ice-creams, and I picked out the one that said 97% fat free. I know these still aren't good because the have so much sugar in them. But I counted the calories up and got a total of 70 something. (I can't remember exactly) anyway Tim had always known I didn't like my weight. He knew that I wished I was skinnier but that was all he knew. Tim knew I was counting the calories and he said, 'Soph, you don't need to worry about your weight. I think you are beautiful just the way you are.' (inside I was thinking, OMG! That is sooooo sweet and I love u sooooo much)

I smiled and said thanks, but I was really thinking, 'If you'd said that to me earlier this year, that could have changed my decision about me starting to purge.' Tim has this effect on me that when he tells me something I can believe it straight away. He can comfort me when nobody else can. (except for Molly). Eg: I was about to go on stage and sing in front of a huge crowd for the very first time and I was stressing like crazy, I stress heaps. My friends were all saying, 'You're a great singer Soph. You can do this. They'll love you. Trust me.' but none of what they said seemed to calm me. But then I looked over to Tim as I was about to perform and he mouthed, 'It's ok!' and immediately I calmed down and began to think, 'I can do this!'

Those four words became one of my favourite mottos! I can do this....I can lose this weight! I can get to my goal! Molly and I have the same goal: 35kg! We're around the same height and we are both known as shorty as all the boys call us. So our BMI is approx. the same. When we get to 35kg, our BMI will approximately be: 15.8!!!!!

If anyone asks me what I fear most I'll say: 'Having to jump off of a boat or an aero plane into scary, big waves in the ocean and getting eaten by a shark or drowning. But that's a lie, (it's my second biggest fear). My biggest fear is gaining weight.

Soon the holidays came and we went to see our family and we stayed with them for two weeks! Worst thing was that my aunt and uncle are amazing chefs and cook so much amazing food each night and we have left overs for lunch. I was eating sooooo much. Probably twice the amount as I would at home! There were no scales! It was terrible. I was thinking so negatively! I thought I would have gained heaps and I would have to lose twice the amount again! So that's when I started cutting. At first the was no blood. I was just using some mini scissors that you would find in a toiletry set. I thought to myself, 'when I gain, or eat too much, I can cut myself.'

of course I strongly believed that I had gained and I knew that I and eaten too much, so I got my razor. In the shower, I cut my ankle a tiny bit to see how much it hurt and it didn't really hurt that much. So I tried near my hip a bit bigger this time. It hurt for a little bit. The razor wasn't good enough. Luckily at home I had a pocket knife. I couldn't wait to get home to weigh myself and start to cut.

I went for runs on the beach but some mornings I just couldnt because of my knee. It would begin to hurt really badly and I couldn't run in it. It was really pissing me off!

When I got home I weighed myself and I was only 41kg! I was so surprised. I haven't cut with the pocket knife yet. My friends on Facebook tell me not to, Molly tells me not to. But even though they are all telling me not to, I think I will end up doing it. It will help me get to my goal! I know it can be scary what I am doing to myself. But I know I am strong enough to stop it all one I get to my goal. Once I get to my goal, I will be happy about my weight, I will finally love my body and myself. So please don't judge me, support me.

If you are like me and need someone to talk to, add me on Facebook. Sophie French. Apparently I'm hard to find. I'm from Albury, Australia. My profile pic is a girl in denim shorts and a black USA flag top. I will listen to you, talk to you, help you, give you advice or anything else you need. :)