The Buts and Ifs

4 Five Years Ago

Just how quite the ride went, only the raindrops that constantly punching on the car was heard and become a deadly silence to the both of them.

Anyone can feel the tension in the air that by just looking at them, you can taste already the tugging pain by their mere silence. No one dares to speak. There were sometimes a sound of shifting positions or clearing of throat but none utter a single word, each of them from their own different world. Same goes after fifteen minutes and then finally one took the initiative to start the awkward tension when the car came to a stop due to the red traffic light.

"I think it won't stop at any moment right?"

Jake was talking about the rain. He was very familiar with this kind of attitude the rain would do. He was well aware when will it stop and when will it keep on running. He knew it well and that would remain a fact that it still linger a tug in his heart every time it rain.

"Ye-y-yeah. You think so?" finally after some thoughts Nagi replied. Hands fidgeting the hem of her dress, eyes low while her eyebrows furrowed and mind a little worried.

"Can you at least talk to me properly Nagi without stuttering or being a little angry with me like before? Can we just talk casually like friends?" he said while glancing on the rear mirror of the car, his dark eyes was too focus on her chocolate one.

"We don't have anything to talk about Jake." She deadpanned before removing her eyes from him and decided to look outside like it become the most wonderful thing on Earth.

"I hate this." He replied. His tongue clicked his inside cheek and punched the horn of the car out of frustration.

"You know what Nagi? I really hate you! I fucking hate you! After all this years you kept your silence and its fucking killing me! I'm tired of this fucking shit you're doing! I thought last time, that night when I met you at the bar I could hear something from you because I damn fucking miss you! But earlier in the cafe? You just act like you don't know me and back to being a fucking mute again! What the hell?" Jake said this time with a louder and harsh tone, his deep voice echoed inside the car like trumpet in her ears. Eyes glaring a hole in her, tugging right through her heart like a bullet.

Nagi was shocked but was confused, so confuse and at the same time angry at him that she even felt a tear rolling on her right cheek and then her left check followed. The same as him, she was fucking tired of all - tired of her boiling feelings all these years. She had kept it well and for her, it was for the best. It was so heavy that she doesn't want to talk about it again for who knows? All her fucking 5 years of moving on will came to a trash if she will start talking and would bring her to so much pain. She can't bear just the thought of it and to the fact that the one asking for it was the one who bring him that pain. She thought that she will be a laughing mess if she will talk more. She will embarrass herself in front of him if she cries all her frustrations to him.

With a deep breath, just right when the traffic turned yellow, she opened the car door and run for her life - run away from him.

She didn't mind the thunder that terrified her weak body, she didn't mind the painful raindrops in her skin like a needle, she didn't mind the loud horns of the car that are running in the highway, she didn't mind the fact that her eyes are a little blur from the tears, she didn't mind that she can't breathe properly, she didn't mind her constant fall on the ground and a forming bruises on her knees and most importantly, she didn't mind the voice that once she loved the most that repeatedly calling her to comeback. Mind focus on the fact that she wanted to escape from him, from them. Just like their feelings falling apart, the rain keeps on falling like their hearts are connected with it, like the heaven knows the right weather for this kind of pain. Their hearts, just like the grayish clouds, if it is too much to bear, it will eventually fall like a painful tears with so much shared memories starting to dissolve the moment in landed on the dry land.