Escaping to Ireland

Vinessa

"What is it about him that you like?" Shawn asked an hour into the flight. He had been listening to music, and I assumed he had fallen asleep; his eyes had been closed.

"It's not like I planned it...." I was looking anywhere but at Shawn's face. I had felt so in love with him the last few weeks leading up to our break up, and now it was just an odd feeling between us as if we were just meeting for the first time.

Life had a weird way of bringing stuff full circle.

"We spent a year and a half getting to know one another" his voice was low, and I knew he didn't want the other passengers to hear him. "You have known this guy a few months?"

I couldn't explain it, and I wasn't going to try to explain it to Shawn; it hadn't felt like I had only known Liam for a few months; it felt like I had known him for a lifetime. I couldn't tell Shawn this.

"He's my boss. It was an emotional week for me."

"For you?" Shawn said, his eyes looking the darkest I had ever seen them.

"I spent too much money to fly out to see you, thinking you would be ready to fly home with me on Thursday, thinking we would be back on track with our life plans. And then while I'm over here trying to get you back, I find out that my best friend, since you left, has been killed. Killed walking to his car after working out at the gym. The gym that we would usually work out together at. If I would have been there... I could have saved him, he wouldn't be dead now, and it is all your fault."

"Shawn... That isn't fair to put the blame on anyone." I said this even though I had never believed it. I had been blaming my mother dying on myself and my father for the last few years.

"Whatever. You killed my best friend, and I will never be able to forgive you."

His words cut deep; I could see the pain on his face. I had never heard Shawn talk to anyone like this, and I wondered if I had broken Shawn. I wanted to cry for Shawn, for the loss of Cole, for the loss of our relationship, but I wouldn't allow myself to cry in front of Shawn; I couldn't take this time to be mad away from him.

So I sat there, listening to the people around us talking; I sat there thinking about my mother, about how maybe if I had just stayed in Ireland after she died, maybe I wouldn't have screwed up so many lives.

Cole might still be alive, Shawn wouldn't hate me, maybe my mother would have made it longer if I would have been there to help her in the first part of her cancer. There were too many variables to know for sure, but there was one thing that I did know. Everyone was better to have me out of their lives.

Liam sent a few text messages my way, but I deleted each one.                 
Liam: Did you get McDonald's before your plane boarded?                 
Liam: I hope there are better TV shows on this flight for you.                 

Liam was better off without me in his life.

It was a long boring flight, of the internal fight of not sending Liam a text. Maybe while I was gone, he would see that I was just an annoying woman that he didn't need or wanted. But that thought only adds to my grieving. 

Susan looked worse than I imagine she would. It was possible she hadn't slept or shower since she heard the news of Cole's death.  

"Vinessa," she said, sitting from the living room couch; she didn't move. Her eyes just followed me as I came to sit by her on the sofa. Fido ran around in circles trying to get my attention.

"Susan... I'm so sorry," I said, picking Fido up into my arms. Susan petted Fido's head as she looked at me. Her eyes looked tired, more tired than I had ever seen them.