Cigarettes and Valentines

Chapter 11

Allison's POV

The room was pitch black when I flung my eyes open. It was Monday morning apparently and I was in my bed, not even thinking twice about getting ready for school. Staring at the lamp on my nightstand, I let a look wander over to my window where blinds were blocking the view of anything; may it be the light of the now rising sun or the tall solid red ash in our yard, which had to be completely bold by now.

I didn't have any ambition to turn around but the rambling in my stomache reminded me that I haden't eaten for days now; which was not true since I now remembered the pot cookies I had when I went out with Michael on Saturday.

It would be a lie when I said that I wasn't hungry and I also would've lied when I tried to tell myself that I'm not stupid for believing that not eating would make me feel better about my appearence.

Slowly I turned on my back, now staring at the ceiling as I listened to my own hearbeat and breathes.

Letting my left hand stroke all over the space next to me, I finally found my phone. No missed calls. No new messages. Assuming that I was going to school today, mom accepted the fact that she wasn't able to get a flight back right after identifying the dead body that had been found.

I knew that Nathan was known in the army. They had his personal contacts which meant they must've had a solid reason to let his mother come over to identify him. He hadn't just been shot down.

They must've done something worse to him and mom was keeping it from me.

Sometimes I enjoyed the fact that I was thinking a lot about certain topics. I felt philosophical when I did so but in this situation I just wished that my mind was not trying to figure a sense in everything because it clearly would've hurt less when I would've been able to believe the story of him dying from only one bullet instead of... torture maybe? Who knew? At least I knew that he must have been unrecognizable and only the thought of it was unbearable.

Now that I lay there, thinking about Nate, my constant doubt towards my looks as well as my thoughts and choices, I couldn't help but also think about Michael.

What can I say? He had become a part of my life now and I shouldn't pretend like he didn't affect me.

Michael was no help to my situation right now because he confused me and I can't deal with confusion; that's a fact. The mysterious vibe he had kept me guessing and I was not the type to guess. I was the type to know; to have information; to state facts and he was well aware of that.

Why did he kiss me? He did kiss me, right? I mean I was so in panic and unable to cope with anything in that moment, I wouldn't be surprised if I just interpreted too much into it.

Guilt was something I felt when remembering the day before. I left. I just left him in the very spot on the couch as soon as I calmed again. It's not like Michael would be sad or angry but it was not a way to treat anyone - even if it's someone who pretends like nothing could touch his heart.

Sighing, I sat up and criss-crossed my legs as I once again blinked into the brightness of my phone. Why was I even checking on messages? She thought I was at school, which I repressed during the whole time of lying here. Ditching was wrong. Ditching was no way to deal with this and I hate myself for saying this but I didn't care. Nathan died. No, Nathan got killed and my mother was in Florida where he was: James.

How could she mistake Michael for him? They had no similarities at all. Honestly it's been some time since I've seen him last but apart from the fact that they're both assholes there was no connection between them.

Glanzing down to my stomach again when he shot another growl, I noticed that I was still wearing Michael's stuff. I didn't even bother to take the tight jeans off when I went straight to bed. The only perk of today was that I finally lost the head- and stomache each which kept me awake for some hours.