A knot too tight

Part 4-James

I watched as they lowered the coffin,this might as well be my own funeral. For I knew I couldn't live anymore. I cursed my good health, I would try to remedy that as soon as possible. It was because of me, I was responsible for that accident, the accident that took away the only woman I would ever love in this life. My Allie. I threw a handful of earth over the coffin, I will see you soon my love, I promised her. I felt a small feminine hand come to rest over my back, if I didn't know better I could have fooled myself that it was my Allie's. But I knew it would never be that way again. It was probably some heartless bitch who saw this as an opportunity to snare me in her web. I growled without sparing her a glance.
"you will take off your hand if you know what is good for you. Just because Allie is gone, doesn't mean that I am not taken. For as long as I live I will only belong to her. Now just leave me the f*** alone"

That hand disappeared, calming me somewhat.It was over now, her grave all covered, on the tombstone as I had insisted was engraved

            Allie Reed
A loving daughter, sister and wife.

I wasn't aware of anything after that, I think it was John, Allie's brother who carried me over to a car or may be it was someone else I don't know, I didn't care about anything,anymore...

Someone was shaking me awake, maybe I was asleep, I opened my eyes to see her mother looking at me with worry.
"Please come and eat something James, you know Allie wouldn't want you to waste away like this."
I looked around seeing Allie's entire family around me, her dad and brother both trying to act strong and failing.

"I am sorry. This accident was because of me. If I hadn't delayed you with my phone call, maybe Allie would be still here with us. I am sorry. "

I broke down, my face in my hands. I felt a strong pair of hand coaxing my hands away.

"It wasn't your fault son. Don't you dare blame yourself for something that was out of our control."

Her dad drew me into a bear hug, that I didn't know I needed.

"I love you son. I know if my daughter was alive you would have made her the happiest woman in this world. "

"Yes James. You loved my sister more than all of our love put together. I saw that right away. Don't blame yourself for this. I know Allie would have wanted you to pick yourself up not breakdown right now. Do that for Allie if you don't have the strength to do it for yourself"

John said patting me.I nodded grateful for their love. I stood, I couldn't burden these good people with my sorrow when they have their own grief to bear. I took their leave, wanting to shut myself up in my empty house,to drown my self in drinks. They let me leave reluctantly, none of them very happy at the prospect of me spending my time alone in an empty building. But it was what I wanted. I promised them I would visit early morning.