Ava's Roulette

Chapter 1: Welcome to the Shitshow

The line between love and hate is slim, but you always feel their absence. Both of these things require some level of mental power to uphold. I would argue that hate takes more energy than love, but then again, I don't remember what love feels like. I know it's melodramatic to say, but I realized this as I stormed out of my boyfriend's house in a fury for the nth time. Little did I know, that would be the last time as well.

Ace Reeves, the neighbourhood loser had stabbed me in the back, again. You see, Ace was a biker with shady connections. I had always turned a blind eye to his dealings and his friends. I had asked him to leave, to be better, and he always promised.

I promise I'll leave, but it's not easy. I promise I'll quit my job there, but they're my friends. I promise I won't have them over again, but I'll still see them.

I promise, I promise, I promise.

Yet here we are.

But I know as well as he, that I'll be back. Even though, I was walking away from the door to my car parked out front. I always ended up back there. At said door, of the last house on Kerry Street. The one with the wonky mailbox from the time I hit it with Ace's bike, as he was trying to teach me to ride. Because I thought I loved him, I mean despite his personal failings he was a sight to behold. Especially then, in the soft sunset light his dirty blond hair shone golden. His stubble adorned his chiseled jawline. His blue eyes had a storm-like intensity to them, but they still twinkled in the dying sun. He wore baggy pants and white wife-beater that accentuated his toned physique. His biceps bulged in frustration as he crossed his arms, and as if to tempt me to forgive him then, the light angled in such a way that I could just about see his trained chest. I shook my head in frustration, this couldn't be the only reason for me coming back. It wasn't really. But it doesn't matter anymore.

"Text me when you've calmed down and let me explain" Ace yelled as I lowered the windows.

"Fuck you Ace" I yelled back, and that was it. The ignition drowned whatever other bullshit he was trying to say. I drove off so fast the wheels complained in a sharp squeal.

I waited until I was at the other end of the road on a stop light to shed a tear. I wasn't going to cry over him again, I told myself. But that story had replayed many times so many it was beyond comical; it was just pathetic.

In ten minutes, I was at my friend's house. I technically lived with her, Liz, and my other friend Rob. Their actual names are Elizabeth and Robert, but as a trio we somehow decided that three letter names would be our thing. It is funny, you know? So, legally I'm Avery, but with them I am Ava. Well, even without them I introduced myself as Ava. Only my family called me Avery, and that was maybe, twice a year? I didn't mind the limited contact, and I was sure they didn't either because no one ever called to complain. It had always been this way.  Not to worry though, our awkward Christmases and Thanksgivings always made up for it.

As I got out of the car, Liz ran out to greet me, but my dejected demeanor stopped her in her tracks. She eyed me and approached carefully.

"Ugh, it's that asshole again, isn't it?" she said. I just gave her a quick look as I walked towards her with my hands in my jacket.

"It's not worth talking about Liz, come on, I just want to sleep." She didn't press the matter, but her look told me we would be discussing this tomorrow. At her earliest convenience, of course. She hooked her arm through mine and walked back to the house with me. It was a small, student housing building, but it accommodated us all well enough. I walked straight to my room and onto my bed, not even stopping to greet Rob. I felt bad about it, but I needed time to not be bombarded with the classic interrogatory questions regarding my break with Ace. I was tired.

The next morning, I woke up to the sounds of angry whispering at my door. The voices were arguing. I wondered if I was imagining this or if it was real. I strained to pick up what they were saying.

We need to know.

We will in time, just let her sleep, Liz.

But she looked so sad yesterday! This isn't like last time.

This happens every time, Ace being a dick isn't exactly news. I think it's best to let her be and let her talk to us when she's ready... Ah no. There was a slight bump at the door, they were starting to scuffle about opening the door. You are just being nosy, and yes, I mean it!

"Guys I can fucking hear you!" I complain. The voices immediately hushed.

"Sorry Ava, we'll just let you be!" Rob says and I imagined him dragging Liz away from the door from the slight thumps and additional angry whispering. I couldn't help but surrender a crooked smile at the image.

It took a while for me to decide to stay awake, really, it was involuntary, my body just couldn't handle more sleep. At this time, the sun was high in my room signalling early afternoon. It is more of an attic, but the remodelling by the owner and my decorations make it cozy. It was a Sunday, so I knew Liz and Rob had nothing to do but wait anxiously for me to come downstairs and tell them everything. Well, they did have better things to do, but they had been there for every heartbreak. So, it was no different then. I wasn't ready.

I turned at the beep coming from my phone and looked at it lazily. 23 messages and 8 missed calls from Ace. Jesus Christ. I thought angrily. I read through the messages because there was no way I was calling him back. Many asking if I was up and if I could call him, things I won't bother recounting here. But one caught my eye, and no it wasn't just his grammar, I was used to it by that point.

Its more complicatd than you think. It was a deal aight?

Burt aint happy btw, so you need to come back to fix this.

You need to apologice to her.

He had to be kidding, I wish he was because the anger just burned through me once again like a lit TNT wick. I was going to burst. I threw my phone across the room and got up from bed.

I went downstairs to find Liz and Rob watching TV, I knew they weren't really watching because the news was on, of all things. I made myself breakfast. Some cereal, odd given that I like to take my time with food, because I actually like cooking.

I plopped down cross-legged beside Rob and mindlessly watched as some announcer presented on something to do with the business sector. I didn't really pay attention, but it was nothing good apparently. His words washed through me like water over sand. I crunched and crunched at my cereal making it harder and harder to hear anything at all. My breathing got deeper and slower, as I struggled to keep my anger at bay. You need to apologize to her. Ridiculous doesn't quite capture what I thought of it, but it was the only word that I could come up with at the time. Eventually, I was snapped back from my thoughts as Rob put his hand on my mine to stop another spoonful from going in my mouth. I turned to him, and as if foreseeing me snapping at him, he guided a concerned look down at the bowl. There was no more cereal. Nothing to spoon. I was gritting my teeth.

I relaxed my gaze, understanding he just wanted me to save my teeth for old age.

"Sorry" I managed to mutter. Liz and Rob shared a look, I knew they wanted to ask but also didn't want to piss me off. So, we continued watching some company graph with a slowly decreasing line in tense silence. The logo of the company was small hidden in the corner, laughing at me as I tried to place it. Meanwhile, the enigmatic announcer explained what it all represented. I broke the silence first.

"Ace cheated on me"