My diary

Change

As time goes on, people come and go. Better opportunities come along, and tragedies may occur, but one of the constants in this equation is the crusty white paint on my ceiling. It slowly chips off piece by piece, revealing the yellowish primer underneath. Pieces of the paint falling like a drifting feather, making their way down onto my linen bedsheets. Every imperfection, every feature of my room, stares back at me as I wait for time to pass. Hours go by with me just watching this room. If the walls could speak, they would tell the stories of my dreadful, sleepless nights. The walls are the same as the ceiling covered in craters, but just with more mildew and pencil marks. The blank white walls that loom over me when I sleep, dig into my soul in search of answers. Every small detail that happened throughout the day echoes around the room, causing it to spin. The air becomes thinner, my chest becomes heavier. The sound of my heartbeat bangs against my lungs, causing my ears to ring. I attempt to focus on the craters on the ceiling, but as the room begins to shift, my vision becomes blurry. Tears welling up in my eyes, and my throat closing up so I struggle to breathe. It's as if I'm drowning in my own sorrows, waiting for something to pull my head out of the water. I scream as loud as I could, but my cries are muffled and are turned into a mere breath. The only thing I can count on by the end of the day is the gruesome pain I bear. Acclimating to new surroundings is a frightful task on its own. Combining it with elements of previous incidents is just amplifying the grief of the past.

Change isn't always necessarily bad, but fear can cloud your judgement on the new. It could blind you from taking chances because one may not be able to take the risk. Fear can make you move on so quickly that you don't learn from your past mistakes. Some people dive headfirst into change, that they forget to stop and learn. Sometimes it's like a maze that you try to navigate through, you run with all you have but miss each exit, sometimes you just have to stop and think of the direction you're going. Then in deadens, or run in circles. Change and fear come hand in hand, the persistent duo of time. Overcoming that fear takes time and effort, something some people lack. The fear of change is like a chamber, trapping a person in a bubble. It may feel safe at the time, but knives are slowly being slid into overtime. But where does the fear stem from? It stems from uncertainty. The fact that there is no guarantee that everything would play out as it should, could bring shivers down the spine. Banking on everything to fall into place smoothly isn't a safe bet, so overthinking possible consequences is deemed being "thorough". It may stop you from making problematic, life-changing decisions, but it could be the reason that you continue to make mistakes. Trusting in the process may be unthinkable, but sometimes it might be easier to just close our eyes, lean back, and just fall.

My fear of change is something that I've dealt with for many years, yet it is something I don't see changing in the future. I'm unsure how much more fear I can overcome, nor the great amounts of pain it drags along. The repetitive nights of agony and clenched fists waiting to be endured, just to wake up in the morning of a pool of my own sweat. But where's the fun of an obstacle-free utopia?