O? Private?

August 31

I realize now that my year of deferment made me feel stagnated. Mentally, because I wasn't learning anything new and proving to myself that I was smart. And also artistically, because I wasn't constantly creating work I could be proud of. Now I know, after two days and only 3 class sessions, that I'm capable of so much. I'm capable of listening and giving a shit, and for some reason that surprised me? I feel so much farther ahead mentally now than at any other point in my life. Like I was living in this haze of reaction and actions without thought behind them, that later made me feel guilty for going through with them! When I wasn't even what, thinking? before I acted? Only after? 

it makes it sound like I'm excusing myself from my actions but I'm not. I was a different person then but I am also the same person now. Who could do bad things, as everyone could, but chooses not to. God I sound like such a sociopath sometimes. I like at least two out of the three teachers I've met so far. 

And I've been in my head a lot too! But I'm also making the conscious effort to stop and analyze where my thoughts come from. Which is nice. I don't think I've ever been able to take a step back from my anxiety or racing thoughts before. I still dealt with them, and have had to deal with them today! And maybe I didn't or couldn't cope with it at the time but I'm feeling good and refreshed I think, despite it being 11 pm and only 6 or 7 hours away from breakdown. Feeling much more clear headed. I have to stop and look at my thoughts more often too. Being around other people is taxing. My roommates are taxing. I can't just let myself live in fantasies about saying the wrong thing and getting into fights like I did last night. That wasn't coping. but I also didn't let it happen, it happened due to stress and sleep and a dirty little apartment with roommates who aren't around for long enough to do any cleaning. A reasonable stressor. Looking forward to the cleaning agreements. Looking forward to not giving a shit.

Not giving a shit isn't a great way to put non anxiety either because it's not true, I give a shit, maybe other people give a shit. you can't just tell your brain to do the opposite of what it's currently doing and expect it to work out. God I love that my writing teacher inspired this. I think I should thank her. might be a little nerdy but there I am, giving a shit! Is unapologetically giving a shit a nerdy thing to do? heheh. brown noser. lets put an end to my list of things to do today. God I think New York is making me grow up a little. Maybe a lot? I'm already being much more self aware then I was in LA. Maybe weed isn't great all the time, hm? judge-y bastard I am.