The Big Girls Guide to Speed Dating

Untitled Part 1

        My name is Katie, and I’m a big girl. I don’t mean that in the slang usage of the word. I merely mean that I’m a grown up. Sort of. Chronologically, I have reached the age of majority. Emotionally, sometimes not so much. Not to mention the fact that I have not quite managed to reach some of those milestones that mark someone as an adult. I’m not married, never have been, much to the chagrin of my mother. I have a decent job, but I’m not exactly setting the world on fire. I have two absolutely lovely degrees, one bachelors and one of the post-graduate variety that have taken up residence quite nicely in my lower desk drawer. I take them out on occasion just to admire them and to knock the dust off the frames. Yet I digress. 

This is a story about trying to meet one of those “adult” milestones.  The milestone of Love.  That’s right, Love with a capital L.  Love that might one day lead to the altar.  That ultimate sign that shows the world that you have acquired Love.  Getting to the altar requires some dating along the way.  And just so you know, I hate dating.  Dating sucks the life force out of a person merely in an attempt to be compatible with the life force of another.   A friend and I, while discussing both the pros and cons of being single, decided we wanted to get back on the dating wagon.  After much disappointment with the bar scene, we decided to give speed dating a shot.  So, we checked the local speed dating websites and found one for the upcoming Saturday, fairly close to where we both live.  Everything I know about speed dating I’ve learned from television shows I’ve watched and books I’ve read.  I have to admit, it’s not something I’m really looking forward to.

I spent the next few days both dreaming of and dreading the upcoming speed dating adventure.  Things like what kind of guys sign up for these events?  Are they busy executives with no time for the traditional dating scene? Are they just out of long-term relationships and trying to re-enter the dating scene?  Have they already tried online dating and have found the online dating world is too big a risk?  At least at speed dating you can make sure that the person and the photo are from the same decade.

Having thought about the reasons that men were signing up for speed dating, I decided it was time to take a long look in the mirror an try to figure out my dating status and why I had been checking the “single” box for the past 40’ish years.  Just thinking that sends a little shiver down my spine.  Single. Forty’ish.

So here goes a long look in the mirror: 

Hair – brown with some natural red low-lights and now a little gray courtesy of that bitch Mother Nature.  Started going gray in my twenties, but that’s why companies make hair dye and salons are open on the weekend.  Looks like it might be time for a touch-up.

Eyes – brown. I have a rudimentary understanding of genetics and realize that brown is the dominant gene for eye color, I think.  If that’s true, how the hell am I the only person in my family with brown eyes?  My brother got bright blue eyes and the most beautiful long, naturally curly eyelashes.  I couldn’t get those eyelashes with an entire bottle of mascara and a team of professional make-up artists.  My sister got gray eyes.  Those beautiful soft kitten-gray eyes.  I’m not really complaining about my brown eyes, after all, I’m often complimented on them.  Everything from having “doe” eyes, which is kind of cool, to having mischievous eyes, which is definitely cool.

Face – good skin and no wrinkles.  I don’t look much different with make-up than without make-up.  Definitely goes in the plus column.  I’ll never be one, knock on wood, of those celebrity before and after pics where one or the other is unrecognizable.

Boobs – definitely gifted in that area.  The youngsters, oldsters, and gaysters check out the girls when I’m out and about.  Gravity is starting to take its toll, the bastard, but I have started a “save the boobies” fund.  Looks like I’ll be putting that to use in a couple of years.