What Love Means to Me

First heartbreak

I should have know this could only end in heartbreak. Lying face down on my bed, I try to burry all my pain in piles of fuzzy blankets and pillows but my heart still burns as I think back to when I first saw her. It wasn't that long ago really. Time seams to move differently when things happen, sometimes dragging on, heartbeat after slow heartbeat whereas sometimes it burns its self up like dry grass struck by lightening. Still, I remember those first few moments as if they had happened billions of times.

I hung from a steel hoop and spun as fast as I could until all I could see was a blur of colored lights, black curtains and the occasional flash of empty white seats, set up in rows. It was blissfully silent, the only noises my breath and the creaking of the ropes that I entrusted my life to. I closed my eyes and smiled, trying to let go of all my apprehension about the up-coming show. I felt my heartbeat slow as I spun in the darkness. If felt as if hours had passed, though it was probably only a few minutes. Slowly I let my feet touch the floor below me, slowing my spinning until I was still. I watched the clock, ticking off minutes as my friends started to arrive. They chatted and laughed and I joined them as we prepared, presetting equipment, changing into costume and doing each other's hair and makeup. It seamed to stretch on for centuries with the anticipation but looking back, it was only a flash of my life, carrying hardly any significance.

She was the only person there that I didn't know like the back of my hand. I had worked with all the others, my coach, his daughter, all my friends for years. She seamed familiar though, like a song I'd herd on the radio but hadn't learned the name of. Maybe a friend of a friend? I felt as if our paths had crossed before and the moment had faded out of my memory. Though my eyes traveled elsewhere, my mind stayed on the girl. Her purple lipstick, black tank top and skinny jeans stuck in my thoughts.

We sat in darkness, cross legged on the floor behind the long black curtain that separates us from the stage and the people waiting to be impressed. The lights began to dim and a hush fell across the audience. This was it, I could feel my heat beating faster and harder than normal. Then the music began, it thrummed with a steady beat and and I shivered. The music drew out a part of me that only came out during shows. I stood, swiftly and silently, and made my way to the edge of the curtain, preparing to go on stage. I lifted my chin. Suddenly their was a hand on my shoulder. I turned and, in the dim light that seeped between the threads of the curtain, I saw the girl, the half remembered face that I'd been so entranced by. She wordlessly pulled me into a tight hug, she seemed to say, you'll do fine, I believe in you. I shivered and my heartbeat sped up even more, I could feel it thumping in my chest and I think she could to.

I stepped out of the safe darkness and into the colorful lights. I could feel the wild part of me that only came out when I danced getting more and more impatient, shaking it's chains inside of me. My music started and I could feel the deep thrumming beat match its self to my quick breaths. I grasped my trapeze and let my body guide my movement. I let go of thought and let my body flow like water from a mountain spring. Then it was over. The music faded out and the blue and purple lights dimmed. My hands ached from the sudden exertion and a burn on my right arm stung where the ropes had torn away my skin. My entire body was alive with adrenalin, but the animal inside was calm, content to wait for its next spotlight. Slipping between the curtains, I was greeted by the silent congratulations of my friends. They embraced me and whispered to me about what a good job I did, but their was only one person I saw. She bent over to whisper something to our director who was sitting a little ways away. She met my eyes and smiled. That was the last time I looked her in the eye.

The following weeks were a blur of mixed emotions. I smiled like the sun itself when she told me she liked me and my heart soared when we agreed to go out together. But, then it took a turn for the worse. She canceled our date, and she started ignoring me. What had I done? I don't know even now. It had been several weeks and I was starting to train myself not to think her name, when I saw a picture on Facebook. She was kissing her boyfriend. She said that she loved him. Before that, my heart was only bruised. It was at that moment, that one picture, that it shattered entirely. Another few weeks passed and I found myself picking up the pieces of my heart and slowly starting to put them back together. I should have known though, that my story wasn't over yet.

It was Saturday night and my family and I were going to see a play. My heart was light, I stashed away all my problems and emotions and chained them to the bottom of my existence. I thought I might have earned a break, after all I'd been through. However, the universe had other ideas. I sat in the audience, looking through the play bill, when a large group enters the theater and sat down the row to my left. Suddenly my heartbeat spiked and adrenalin shot through my body. It was her. She was here. She was less than twenty feet from me. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that she hadn't yet noticed me. As the play began, I asked myself what I could possibly have done to deserve this. But of corse that wasn't the worst of it. After what seemed like an eternity of pretending to laugh at a play that was hilarious to everyone else but that I was prevented from enjoying, intermission came. Relived, I quickly slipped from my seat and made my way through the crowd to the lobby. I had to focus all my concentration on not stepping on anyone's feet and not being sandwiched between bodies. Because of this, I barely had a seconds notice before someone was skipping towards me. My heart seemed to drop out of my chest when I saw who. She was smiling, wearing the same purple lipstick that she had been when we met. She grabbed me and hugged me, she talked to me but I couldn't pay attention, I was to busy trying to keep a smile on my face and keep the tears from coming. I smiled and nodded and excused myself as quickly as possible. I didn't want to let on that I was hurt but when I glanced over my shoulder, I could tell she'd seen right through me. She knew how much she'd hurt me and she didn't think it was worth trying to make better.

This is what love is to me now. It is pain, it is betrayal and it is the fear of rejection. This is what I tell myself as I lie here, inhaling the familiar scent of my bed and my blankets.