Scene 3
(The students take seats, with Gryffindors on stage right and everybody else on stage left.)
Dumbledore: Welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts! And a very special welcome to my favourite student, Mr. Harry Potter. And another very special welcome to our newest addition to Gryffindor, Mr. Ginny (he checks Ginny’s gender)-‘scuse me- Ms. Ginny Weasley.
Ginny: (stands up) Yeah, I’m a girl, and, um, also, aren’t we supposed to be sorted by the Sorting Hat? (sits down)
Dumbledore: Uh, a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing. Basically I’ve just been putting anyone who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anyone who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin and the other two can just go wherever they want, I don’t really care.
Cedric: (stands up) Hufflepuff are particularly good finders!
Dumbledore: What the HECK is a Hufflepuff?
(Cedric smiles awkwardly for a moment then sits down.)
Dumbledore: Anyways, it is time now for me to introduce my very good friend and our own Potions professor, Mr. Severus Snape.
(Snape enters)
Ron: Aw, Snape? I hoped they’d fired that guy!
Ginny: What’s wrong with Professor Snape?
Ron: Nothing, he’s just, uh, evil!
Snape: Now, before we begin, I’m going to give you all your very, very first pop quiz.
(Everybody groans, except for Hermione, who cheers.)
Snape: Can anyone tell me what a portkey is?
Hermione: Oo! (She raises her hand)
Snape: Yes, Ms. Granger.
Hermione: A portkey is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones who touch it to anywhere on the globe decided upon by the enchanter.
Snape: Very good! Now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is?
(Hermione raises her hand again.)
Snape: Yes, Ms. Granger.
Hermione: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned earlier in the story to return later in a more significant way.
Snape: Perfect! And remember, a portkey can be any sort of seemingly harmless object, like, a football, or a dolphin!
Lavender: Professor?
Snape: Yes?
Lavender: Can, like, a person be a portkey?
Snape: No, that’s absurd. A person can, however, be a horcrux.
Harry: What’s a- what’s a horcrux?
Snape: I’m not even going to tell you Harry, you’ll find out soon enough.
Hermione: Professor, what is the point of this quiz?
Snape: Oh, no, no point in particular. Just important information that everyone should know. (he points into the audience) Now, moving along. Traditionally, the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup. However, this year we’re doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our new Dark Arts Professor, Professor Quirrel.
(Harry’s scar starts to hurt. He puts a hand to it and starts yelling as Quirinus Quirrel enters stage left. Because Voldemort is on the back of his head, Voldemort stands and walks back to back with Quirrel while his face is hidden under Quirrel’s turban.)
Quirrel: When the House Cup Tournament first originated it was one of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would compete in a series of dangerous tasks. The winner would not only win the Cup, they would also win eternal glory.
Hermione: Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after one year when a student was killed during the first task.
Quirrel: Yes, it is very dangerous, but the rewards far outweigh the risks.
Hermione: I don’t think you heard me! I just said somebody died!
Dumbledore: Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly lopsided mouth and stop interrupting! Twenty more points!
Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!
Dumbledore: God! For the cleverest witch of your age you really can be stupid sometimes. (Other students laugh at her) Ten points to Dumbledore!
Quirrel: Yes, well, as the Professor of Defence against the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to-
(Voldemort sneezes under Quirrel’s turban.)
Dumbledore: Professor, did your turban just sneeze?
Quirrel: What? No. (He starts to back off stage right)
Dumbledore: I could have sworn I just heard a sneeze coming from your direction, but your mouth wasn’t moving.
Quirrel: No, no, that was simply a fart. I must be going.
(Voldemort continues to sneeze, and Harry’s scar starts to hurt again as Quirrel gets near him.)
Quirrel: I simply farted once more.
(Quirrel exits hurriedly)
Dumbledore: Now, with the newly resurrected House Cup, a champion from each of the four houses will be selected to compete! So, Snape, would you do us the honours, please?
(Snape enters with The Cup.)
Snape: Yes, Headmaster. First from the Ravenclaw house (he pulls out a piece of paper), Ms. Cho Chang,
Cho: Oh my god I’ve won! I can’t believe they called me!
Snape: Next, from Hufflepuff, (pulls out another) Mr. Cedric Diggory.
Cedric: (stands up) Well, I don’t FIND this surprising at all!
Snape: Next, from the Slytherin house, (pulls out another) Draco Malfoy!
Malfoy: (stands up) Ha! Oh, I finally beat you, didn’t I, Potter? (he struts over to Harry) What do you think of that, huh? I’m the champion this time!
Dumbledore: Draco, will you sit down, you little elf! Champion’s just a title.
Snape: And finally, from the Gryffindor house, (pulls out a paper) oh my! Well, isn’t this curious! The one person in all of Hogwarts whom I bear a notorious grudge against is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life.
Neville: (stands up) If it's me, I'd just like to apologize to my fellow Gryffindors right now for losing-
Snape: Sit down, you inarticulate bubble! It’s Harry Potter!
Dumbledore: Well, here you are, folks, the four Hogwarts champions. Now, I want all of you to start preparing immediately, because the first task is in two months and it could be anything. So let’s get to it!
(Everybody except Harry, Ron and Hermione starts to leave.)
