Diary of a dying man

The girl with green eyes

It's funny how sometimes real life far outweighs fiction. I've already talked about my first suicide attempt and how poorly I was doing romantically. I've even talked about the wrestling community that was a great stage in my life. But that community also had a breaking point that started the most devastating story of my life.... Yes, I know it sounds melodramatic, but you will understand later, because this story will be told in three parts.

After throwing the school t-shirt in the trash bag, I continued going through the box and came across a photograph that took my breath away... a young girl with spectacular green eyes was looking at me from the photograph and memories came back to my head, while thousands of wounds reopened in my heart and soul. So many years have passed and I still remember her name.... Genesis... obviously I won't give her full name and surname, not because I don't remember them, but because I consider it unnecessary. I met Genesis really by chance and I was a perfect jerk who had a stroke of luck (or bad luck?).

It was 2005, I had finished school and I was just a puppy about to start classes at ENSAD. It was my time as a kid, having been a victim of bullying all my life, I decided to reinvent myself and be free from the chains that I had dragged with me for 17 years. I was that afternoon in Miraflores, at one of the outside tables of the Pizzotón pub, waiting with other friends, for the start of that year's Survivor Series meeting. To my surprise (because I don't like to drink) we bought a couple of pitchers of beer and started to talk, making our predictions about the line-up of fights of the day and the storylines that would be set up after that PPV. One of my friends, however, nudged me to let me know that a group of 4 girls were approaching, all of them very pretty, and of course, me being in my pendejo phase, I was a conqueror and it occurred to me to throw a compliment to one of them... it was probably the most imbecilic compliment anyone has ever said. To be honest, I was expecting to get slapped and had even mentally prepared myself in a matter of seconds for my head to spin like the girl in the exorcist's.

But that slap never came, the girls looked at me with an expression between doubt and bewilderment and a young girl of 1.66, with long light brown hair and white skin, let out a melodious laugh that left me frozen... however, when she looked directly at me with those incredible green eyes, it was that it completely destroyed me. I could lose myself in that gaze and feel time stop instantly. I was aware that everything was happening around us, but I had no will, no reasoning, nothing else, it was as if it had gone into automatic mode and I started to get very nervous. One of my friends (Roab, I think) took the floor and invited the girls to have a few beers and something to eat as an apology for what I had said.

I came out of my stupor and responded to the conversation, as if it were something very natural, although I could not take my eyes off those green eyes. He was overwhelmingly superior to me, I didn't seem to own myself, I didn't even know the reaction I was having. That afternoon, the PPV was on the back burner for me, it had hit me because "the lightning" (a term coined in the movie "The Godfather" where Michael Corleone, falls in love with a young girl in Sicily, just by seeing her once) when I told him I was an acting student, he got very excited and asked me where? When she got my answer, she told me that she had also entered the ENSAD, in the specialty of theater pedagogy. I was overjoyed... I was going to see her again! I was going to be able to see her again!... then the conversation became much easier and it was as if we had known each other for a very long time.

When the PPV started, I voluntarily missed the first fight because I wanted to continue talking with Genesis, but her friends took her with them because they had agreed to go to another place. After saying goodbye, she gave me her e-mail to continue chatting via msn (yes, at that time it was fashionable to use msn with the famous tucutin) I was in glory, I could not believe that such a pretty girl had noticed me. I entered the meeting when she left and I lived the whole event, although I didn't pay attention to her, because my mind was fixed on Genesis. I was almost in automatic mode and functioned as such. After the PPV ended, I went back home and the first thing I did was to add her to my msn to keep in touch.

It didn't even take long for us to be in contact, as we met at ENSAD at the cachimbos induction ceremony. That day we started talking and had a great afternoon. We spent the afternoon talking about theater, about our future projects, about the things we wanted to do in our professional choices, about the fears we had... I couldn't believe that it was so easy for her to get past all my protective barriers that I usually put up so that no one could have access to my true nature. That was the beginning of an incredible story

Little by little, we became friends, as we were on the same study shift, we waited for each other when we didn't have to study or rehearse for exams or presentations and we always went to eat something together. Gradually we became more comfortable with each other, until I took the next step and stole a kiss from her... it may seem like an insignificant detail, but I had prepared myself for her to yell at me and slap me, including hating me... but that never happened... but that never happened... I was surprised when he kissed me back and after a few seconds where I was lost in that wonderful feeling, our lips parted and with his hand in my hair, he said "You were already late in kissing me. I thought I was going to have to do it myself" We both smiled and started to laugh, then I officially asked her to be my lover, to which she replied sarcastically "after kissing me, you still have to ask?" and then she kissed me... this time the kiss was sweet, slow, passionate, I could almost hear the violin music all around me

Together I had a lot of freedom, for the first time, I had no worries about bullying and we helped each other to study, even staying extra hours by webcam chat to talk when we could not see each other because we had essays or papers to present. On vacation, we were inseparable, to the point that his dad, who welcomed me with a gun in his hand on the first day, accepted me.... well... he accepted me more than his sister accepted me, who actually seemed to detest me.

Time went by and we completed 3 years together, we had plans to travel when we finished our studies and we were even planning to get married and start our own school. She was in charge of training children and young people and I was in charge of directing the theatrical productions, as well as production... but when October of that year arrived, everything broke down. His father received a job offer in Guarico, a city in the province of Valle de la Pascua (Venezuela) and decided to accept because it was a good economic possibility for them. Her mother had a property there so they didn't have to worry about their economic well being. We had a serious talk with Genesis and although we were both worried about the relationship, we decided that we were mature enough to keep the flame alive from a distance. We resorted to all the tools we had at hand: MSN, Hi5, e-mail, calls and every cycle we would travel to see each other for at least a few days. I would go in December and she would come in June... but time was as relentless as distance and something would happen that destroyed me completely.

Communications became colder and colder, more spaced out, more distant... I could feel the distance by touch, I saw her farther and farther away and she hardly reacted to my letters, to the poems I wrote to her or to the songs I composed for her... until soon all communication was cut off. 1 month passed... 2... 3... 4 months... during which I heard absolutely nothing from her. Even her friends that I had gotten to know over the years, knew nothing about her, so I took a risk and decided to travel to Venezuela to see her....

WILL BE CONTINUED IN THE NEXT CHAPTER