hornylovesickmess (billie eilish)

flashing lights

She don't believe in shooting stars, but she believe in shoes and cars...

Georgia's POV:

I think a lot about college when I'm away from it. The plane starts to begin its descent and Billie slowly stirs in the seat beside me. I bite my lip, wanting to tell her all about college, except there'd only be one thing to tell: nothing ever happens.

flashback~

I moved into a new dorm, with only one neighbor, the rest of the rooms next to me left empty. You'd think the brick walls would keep out the noise but I hear everything. The sounds of car doors opening and shutting while the friends get in and out, dressed up and you can almost taste their excitement. And that loud group of football-playing Kanye stans, they like to let everybody know it's a Saturday night. I've memorized their playlist by now, and I feel vibrations from them jumping up and down on the floors.

I went to one of their parties once, was a wallflower, while the men showed their dominance at beer pong and the girls all took trips to the bathroom together to gossip about which guy was giving them the eyes. And it was in that moment I realized how painful it feels to be queer. It wasn't like I exactly envied their lifestyle, but how simple it all was. How simple it must be to assume you have a chance because that person you find cute is more than likely to like your gender.

And I was leaving, completely unknown and unnoticed, my heart skipped a beat when I saw her name pop up in my phone, Billie. Until I realized how drunk I was and it was just a Billie fan page DMing me and asking me again how I know Billie because she follows me. And all I felt was pathetic.

And now I just sit here, staring out the huge window at the common room with the cheap LED lights and the football guys and how ironic it is that they play "22" by Taylor Swift right after playing "Famous" by Kanye. Maybe they turn the music up so loud to have an excuse to scream across the room. And I wish I was them because I've rewatched every comfort show, I've done every assignment early, and there's nothing left to distract me from the fact that she doesn't talk to me anymore.

All I'd want is the bare minimum, a text from her when she's away, not when she's in town and is just looking to hook up. Because if she texted me when she was home, away from here, we could really talk. I could just pick up the phone and tell her about the stupid football guys and she would have something amazing to say and then she'd tell me about the ups and downs of her amazing life.

The song they're playing changes to American Boy and I don't realize I'm crying until I taste my tears. I want to be able to go to the party and look sexy and feel validated because some random guy thinks I'm hot. And I think that honestly, it would've been better if I never had Billie, never even ever talked or interacted with her for a second. Because this, this feels awful, to know that she knows me, and she could be here or I could be there, but we're not. And I just feel so used, and so temporary.

I distract myself with another useless task. This time, I make a spotify playlist full of songs I would play if I had enough friends to throw a party. I put American Boy as the last song, just cause.

I know it's been awhile sweetheart, we hardly talk...

~

"Baby, come on," Billie shakes me awake and I didn't even realize I had fallen into some half-sleep state. People are grabbing their bags from the compartments, and you can spot all the people who have to be on the next plane. The people who glare at the woman ignoring her screaming child, the people who check their watch every three seconds as a signal to others to move out of their way. And I just stay seated, because I'm happy here, next to Billie, and I don't want the pressure of time to get in the way of that.

And then it's a blur and even though a few people on the plane might've recognized Billie, nobody said anything. But someone's tipped someone off and as soon as we exit there's flashing lights and fans crying. Maybe the worst thing, no matter how expected, is that when she sees the paps, she immediately lets go of my hand and walks ahead of me, like I'm someone on her team just following her around.

She smiles for a few fan pictures as she walks and I feel so discarded even though I totally get it. Until one of the fans grabs my collar, pulls me backwards.

"How do you know Billie! How do you know Billie!" she screams and I manage to wiggle out of her grasp, tripping backwards. I instantly feel warm again when I see Billie came back for me, and catches me before I fall.

Flashing lights...

"You good, baby?" she whispers real quiet in my ear and it takes everything in me to not say fuck it and pull her in to kiss me. Right here, just like this. The camera lights flash as we stay paused in this motion for a few seconds. She's looking at me like she wants me too, until she snaps out of it, links arms with me, and we fast walk to the car waiting at the exit.

And when we get in the backseat of the car I realize my heart is racing from all of that attention, from going to nobody even nodding at me at campus to feeling so important just by association.

"I'm sorry, I know that shit's annoying," Billie just rolls her eyes at all of it. Then she takes a look at my still bewildered expression, and she starts to smirk.

"Mmm, but you liked that didn't you? You so cute," she pulls me into her lap and I feel thankful for these tinted windows right about now. I put my feet up and stretch across her lap, giggle at her, and pull her face down into mine. We're kissing like we've never before and I get lost in the moment until I feel her pull away and scream. I panic, realizing I had put my foot too close to the window switch, and the backseat window was left fully open for a good ten seconds.

As I recall, I know you like to show off, but I never thought that you would take it this far...

"Shit, shit, shit," Billie can't breathe as the driver pulls away.

"Damn, damn why didn't I say to start driving," Billie blames herself even though it's all my fucking fault.

"Well, eventually it was gonna happen," I immediately put my hand over my mouth because that was definitely not the best thing to say in this situation. I expect her to snap but she just stays silent for a minute.

"To be honest, fuck it," Billie smirks and rolls down both the windows, wind blowing our hair as we make out in the back seat of the car. All I see are street lights every few meters, the car going in and out of the shadows, and every once in a while, they catch in her blue eyes.

In my past, you on the other side of the glass of my memory museum...