Constant

Empty bottles are scattered on the floor, and I'm on my third pack of cigarettes. Sitting by the balcony, with liquor in hand, the scintillating city lights grew blur as tears flooded my cheeks once more.

I remembered those warm summer nights where I'd stand here and have your arms wrapped around me, looking up the bright crescent above.

"What are you thinking?" The older woman sauntered towards her beloved who was standing by their balcony, silently admiring the glimmering cityscape.

With a warm smile, Winter averted her gaze to her lover, and then back to the view. "Can you imagine how mesmerizing it is, how we were designed by the universe to meet in this lifetime? I feel so blessed." The short-haired girl replied as Karina wrapped her arms around her waist, hugging her from the, burying her head in the crook of the younger's neck.

"So am I. I love you, baby," she paused. Winter's heart swells from hearing those three words from her beloved, just like how it always does.

"To the moon..." Karina continued, turning Winter around to face her, softly caressing her cheek, looking into the younger's eyes with so much love and adoration.

"And back." Winter finished, with just as much feels, if not, more reflected on her brown orbs. She then planted a peck on her girlfriend's soft pink lips, smiling sweetly at her afterward. Karina pulled her in once more, deepening their kiss under the moonlight.

I remember your warmth, those half-asleep cuddles we shared. I remember burying my head in the crook of your neck while I get drunk with the whiff of your sweet scent.

It was already 3 in the morning and the closing credits of the movie they just watched are rolling up. The couple was comfortably cuddled up on the sofa. Empty cans of soda, a few slices of pizza, and a little bit of popcorn in a bowl were left on their table from their weekly movie date night.

The long-haired lass was already in her deep slumber, and Winter was half asleep. Karina shifted closer to her chest, as the younger kissed her beloved on the forehead good night.

Winter silently thanked her lucky stars for the angel she has cuddled up in her arms. At that moment, she knew nothing will ever feel like home as this, and she was so damn lucky to have this for herself, to have Karina in her life.

"I love you," she softly whispered, closing her eyes and joining her beloved in dreamland.

I remember staying up late with you when you couldn't sleep, singing lullabies no one else in the world knows, but you and I.

"Baby," Karina softly called for her already-half-asleep girlfriend. Winter just hummed in response.

"I can't sleep," Karina added. Winter swore she could see the younger pouting even when she hasn't opened her eyes yet.

"Can you sing for me?" The younger lass can feel her girlfriend stare at her, waiting for her open her eyes. She only pulled her girlfriend closer in a hug, kissing the top of her head. She then started humming a familiar tune only Karina knows. It's a song Winter wrote and sang for her when they first started dating.

"Then you said
Don't worry, 'cause babe
You got me, and I
I'm stayin' right here
And though the seasons change
My love will stay the same
For you, yes, it's true"

True enough, love, for them, never changed; Constant, like the song Winter sang. They've been in love for almost 3 years now. Winter has been the happiest she has ever been. Karina completes her and does she to Karina. They're like puzzle pieces fitting perfectly with each other; like hands clasping in a perfect fit like a pair, they made for each other. Karina, to her, was her soulmate. She couldn't ask for anything more.

"You're the only constant thing in my world
When there's no one left around, it's just me and my girl
I know that change is just a part of this life
But our love will stand the test of time"

Every day, they only fell deeper and deeper in love, no matter how long they've been together already, and there is no way to go back. There were no regular days for them, everything was so much better with each other, everything was an eventful chapter of their love story, no matter how simple the day went.

"Cause, baby, you're my constant, constant
Darlin', you're my constant, constant"

Constant. That's what she thought.

It has been a week since I last saw you.

I wiped my tears with the sweatshirt I'm wearing---your sweatshirt, but it's already losing your scent, just as how I'm losing you. Will you ever come back? I've been trying to find you everywhere, but you left without any trace.

How could you just leave without a word?

The wind blew my already dried eyes. I wish it's the same wind that caressed your skin from wherever you are right now. And I wish that as it caressed mine, it would find its way back to you, and whispered back whatever I whispered in the air.

I miss you so much.

It's been three weeks.

Today has been murky. Roars of thunders and bolts of lightning flashed in the skies. The police said you showed up at the station in the middle of the night, telling them to stop looking for you and that you were fine, and just didn't wanna see me anymore. My heart couldn't take it. I don't understand what's happening.

I glanced at my phone beside me.

It's Karina.

"I'm fine. Please don't look for me anymore. Set me free."

My heart shattered into a million more pieces as if it could break even more. I read your text again. Your first text ever since you left. No matter how many times I read that, I still don't understand. My heart just breaks over and over again.

Funny, how I'm still waiting for you to call, or text, or contact me in any way possible. All those messages I sent, but you never replied. I sent a few more messages and called a few times until it told me I was already blocked.

As I glanced at my now useless phone, countless what-ifs ran through my mind. It's making me lose my head, thinking of every possibility of where you could be right now and what could have happened.

Please come back already.

Weeks became months.

It's crazy how I'm under the same roof we've lived under for the last few years, but home feels like miles away. These desolate four walls aren't the same cozy home before but a miserable glum-looking quarter. Lifeless. Depressing. I've been trying to pick up the pieces of me that you left, trying to get myself together, but I only fail each time, miserably. I've been crying more than eating or sleeping. How can I?

We were fine. We were happy. What could have gone wrong? The last time I saw you, your eyes were in a crescent shape, your soft lips planted a kiss on mine and told me how much you loved me, and that you're only going to be gone for a few hours. Your arms were wrapped around me tightly, enveloping me in the warmest hug as you bid goodbye.

But I didn't know that was the last time.

If I only knew, I would have hugged you tighter. I wouldn't even have let you go.

Please come home.

A few months went by quickly since you're gone.

I couldn't and wouldn't be able to feel at home anymore, and neither will this house. I still have no news from you. I'm still here, left with all my questions, all my what-ifs, and all my what-could-haves.

And it's been months of our memories replaying on my mind like waves constantly washing up onshore. Sure, memories could be peeled off like a sticker, but the mark will remain and only grow darker.

I might be losing my mind, for every time I look around I see you. I can picture you still being around.

Us laughing while watching your favorite sitcom cuddled up on the couch.

Your laughter, the melody to my ears, and your short grunts and threats while running away from my tickles.

Waking up next to you--in awestruck. Tucking strands of hair behind your ear and brushing your soft cheeks, admiring how ethereal you are. Lucky, I really was, waking up next to an angel every day.

Coming home to your warm embrace with my favorite meal on the table. I missed how you have made me feel weightless even on my bad days.

And I could only cry and let my sobs fill this emptiness, because every time I close my eyes and imagine your presence, I open my eyes to nothing. It's just me alone, again. And nothing feels more heartbreaking than that.

My heart has sunk so deep that every time I cry myself to sleep, my sobs echo inside the hollowness of my chest. Even your friends don't know where you are. I can't even contact anyone from your family. It's hopeless. I'm hopeless.

They say I should just give up. But how could I pretend like it's nothing, and just move on with my life? You were my life. And now, I don't even know where you are. I don't even know how to function anymore.

It has been a year.

I never really stopped looking. But I never really knew where to look for you. I've tried everything, went everywhere in hopes of even seeing your shadow.

Ironic, how I've been drowning in this emptiness. How can empty feel so heavy? I know I'm just making myself a fool waiting for nothing, but you can't really blame me right? After all this time, Karina Yoo, I'm still completely, absolutely, and utterly in love with you.

With you gone, sure, the sun will still rise, the moon will still show itself along with the scintillating stars above. The days will still come and go. Everything stays and goes the way it's supposed to.

Indeed, life goes on, but I don't think I can. Not me, not now, not soon.

So I will still witness the sun rising and the moon shining, and watch as the days pass by, but I will always be thinking of you, even when you no longer do.

I'll always be here, waiting for you to come home, for as long as I can.

I love you so much, Karina.