a/n: i wrote this because i was sad :)
It had been a long day. A day filled with silence, tears, fogginess, and a stinging sense of failure and self-hatred.
These days were common after the killing game, for both Shuichi and Kokichi. They would come normally in waves that lasted about a week, and once the familiar feeling they gave had set in, it was impossible to escape.
The most they could do was give up, let themself sink into the despair they were feeling, and just wait for it to go away. They let their mistakes from the past killing game replay over and over again in their heads, and they let the awful feeling of basically being a fake personality made up for entertainment wash them away. They felt powerless as everything overwhelmed them so much, and they couldn't even really take care of themselves during these times. It was too hard to get out of bed when their heads were pounding and filling them with dread. And in most cases it was hard to even convince themselves they deserved to feel taken care of anyway.
Therefore, they needed their lover to stay with them, to help them. Kokichi vowed he would stay with Shuichi whenever he liked and Shuichi promised as well. Their relationship wasn't perfect, sure. But the care and unconditional love they felt given to them on these bad days made up for any arguments or disagreements that could possibly happen in the future.
And today, Shuichi was the one that was receiving that extra love. His anxiety had skyrocketed lately because of a nightmare he had, his brain convincing him he was back in that awful killing game, his friends around him dead and the blame settling on him for just being so useless. It took some time to calm his frantic breathing and even more time to realize that Kokichi was here, he was real. He didn't die in that place. Everything was okay.
Kind of. Everything was kind of okay.
The effect of the nightmare still stayed in Shuichi's head long after it had ended, leaving him feeling weak and depressed. He couldn't even count all the thoughts roaming in his head, they were too painful and too numerous and he just wanted to stop feeling. It all felt pointless, all they went through. So they all survived and the game was just a virtual reality, but the trauma remained, and Shuichi couldn't save any of the other contestants from that. He had to watch as they went through therapy and kept adjusting their medications, while he knew in the back of his mind that if he had just ended this killing game sooner, so many more people would've been fine. He felt pathetic, and at some level disgusted with himself for not speaking up sooner-
"Shuichi, you better not be thinking all those dumb thoughts again" Kokichi reminded, his voice light, but his tone accusatory.
Shuichi opened his eyes. He almost forgot they were closed, just like he almost forgot where he was for a second. Laying in Kokichi's arms, being the little spoon despite being much taller than him. It was a relief to feel Kokichi's soft touches against his back and through his hair, grounding him to reality.
The "dumb" thoughts didn't stop, not at all, but Shuichi tried to calm himself by focusing on Kokichi's soft movements instead of the guilt eating him up inside. And he took deep breaths, remembering the breathing pattern of 4-7-8.
Unfortunately, it didn't help as much as he hoped. With every second, the thoughts came back with more power. He tried his best to keep them at bay, but it was tiring fighting them off.
Speaking of getting tired..
"Kokichi, we have to get out of bed soon..." Shuichi whispered. It was nearing about 2 am and they both had to get ready for bed, he would hate for Kokichi to miss out on any sleep because of him. Kokichi wasn't sleeping well lately, and Shuichi would just be a burden by making him stay up later, wouldn't he? He couldn't save him in the game, he should at least try to help him now,when he was so much in debt and Kokichi was such a wonderful lover-
