WHAT IF SHE LIVED ?

She was a pretty average girl... Not that much of a beauty, not really a genius but not dumb either. She could have had a beautiful life. I would have loved her more than I ever loved anything else before.

We would have met in the library she used to go to in her free time, she would be hidden behind the tower of books of fantasies she loved so much I would have passed her and hit her books out of clumsiness. The moment our eyes met I would know she was the one, hoping she was feeling the same. I would have sat with her, talking about the books I just toppled. We would laugh so hard that the librarian had to throw us out of the building. She would buy me coffee and that is when I would discover the first little important detail about her, she was not a fan of coffee unless it was with a lot of chocolate and milk in it and if she had to drink a hot beverage, it would be tea. I hoped she would remember that I don't like coffee with sugar in it.

After that we would have exchanged our phone numbers, how hard it is for me to not text her right away to thank her for the afternoon we spent together. She would be the one who gathered her courage and texted me about our encounter.

Weeks would have passed, meeting each other almost every day, getting to know each other, and in the end weeks become months and finally we would exchange our first kiss. It would be sweet and warm even though the snow would make us shiver, or is it the excitement that made us feel that way. I don't know how many times I replayed this moment in my mind after it happened, hundreds? thousands? Why should I care?

After the months changed into a whole year it was time for us to move out together, live under the same roof and fully live as a couple. For the first time after a few weeks we would have had our first fight about something rubbish I can't even remember. Was it the dishes? Or your favorite plant pot I broke? Anyway, the day after that we would make up and act as if nothing happened, if it was the plant pot I broke I would have bought you a new one you would cherish for the rest of your life, if it was the dishes I would have helped you more. I wish I could help you more.

The next years would have come so well, her parents would love me and mine would feel the same about her, her siblings and their kids would play with me all day if they could.

We would spend our Sundays with them talking about anything that crossed our minds. I would remember one peculiar Sunday in a park we loved so much, full of flowers and plants of all varieties. I would watch her play with her nephews in a beautiful blue dress, the sun would fondle her skin and make it glow, the smile on her face would make my heart shiver. Watching her play with kids would have made me want one ourselves. I knew she would have been a great mom and I, the best dad in the world, but at night when I told her about this idea I had earlier she would tell me that she'll never want children. Our first big fight would start here and last weeks. I never thought she would react like this. The next day we would talk about it, it would have been better if I was sober. I wouldn't have said hurtful things, denigrating the woman in her. The day after that, when I would come home from work she wouldn't be there, leaving behind a simple note saying she would stay at her parent's the time to think about what she said, about what I said...

I would drink so much until she finally came back that I would only be a shadow walking around town, an empty shell waiting for the sea to make me disappear in its depths. When she would come back, there would be tensions between us, we would scream at each other again, we would cry a lot, there would be a lot of moments where she would look above my head trying to form sentences to explain to me why she is so reluctant to have children. Because I am a man, and maybe because the alcohol would talk for myself, hurtful things would drip out of my mouth like mudd and she would cry the whole time, swallowing everything I say, not being able to stop me until she would finally shut me up with a slap across my face. I would be so dumbfounded by her act that she would take that to her advantage and finally make me realize that I was wrong the whole time. She wouldn't care if we have kids or not, the problem was the damage it would do to her body, the time and money it implies, how much she feels selfish about this kind of thinking. After a moment of pure silence I would just rise from my chair, take her in my arms and agree with her choice. The alcohol in my body would have left the moment her hand encountered my face, the shadow I was would have disappeared, the shell would have found its pear and with that I felt the hole in my heart fill itself with her love.

The few days after that would have been kind of awkward for the both of us but after some time we finally became what we were a few weeks before. Our routine would have been settled again between our Sundays with her family, the breakfast I would prepare for her before going to work and this for a long time.

After spending years together, her white hair and wrinkles would have been one of the reasons why I loved her even more, her hands caressing the books she fancies so much would have scars of previous attempts of gardening our yard. I would look at her and wish for more time with her. I wish I could have had more time.

But here is the thing, I am not clumsy so I never hit her tower of books, I never drank coffee with her, we never fought, we never got to grow old together, we never remembered each other's little details... She never existed in this world.

You would have been such an encounter, the story we could have made together would have been beautiful, tragic maybe, but real. You never existed and yet I feel you everyday, walking next to me, sleeping next to me, whispering words in my ear whenever you feel like I will do something wrong. Who are you?