Using Contrast to Your Advantage

Part title

The universe is always listening and responding to us. Most of us can see when the universe is giving us what we want (often based on our own manifestation practice), but we have trouble connecting the negative things in our lives to our own focus and energy.
Because the universe really only recognizes focus and energy without the concept of positive and negative, when we focus on what we don't want, we get more of that. You may also notice that if you are only half invested in something, you can chase it for the rest of your life and never get it because the universe knows when you're half-assing something, even when you won't admit it to yourself.
When the universe gives you the opposite of what you're trying to achieve, we call that contrast. Contrast is not inherently negative. It may be uncomfortable and disappointing, but it is also a clue from the universe that you're focusing on the wrong things.
When I was seeking a partner who wasn't one of the users, abusers, and losers I'd dated over the years, I first received a series of "Mr. Wrongs." These men were exactly what I didn't want in a partner. It took me a long time to realize that I was getting exactly what I was focusing on. I was solely focused on the traits I didn't want in a partner and because I was still finding myself and honing my manifestation practice, it took me a very long time to realize I needed to shift my focus.
Instead of focusing my energy on the traits I didn't want in a partner, I had to shift to those I did. And to do that, I had to determine what traits I did want in a partner.
This wasn't an easy process for me, and it likely won't be easy for you if you're anything like me. I was working from a place where I didn't truly believe I deserved better than I'd settled for. Where I thought I was making the wrong choices when it came to partners rather than understanding that aligning myself with the energy to attract the kind of partner I wanted was going to work far better than chasing an ideal partner in the physical world.
The first step to this long transition, however, is to recognize contrast as a clue from the universe. Once you can open up to that kind of understanding, you can begin to use those moments of contrast as the learning opportunities they're meant to be.
For example, one of the last men I dated before I met my current husband, was so much like me before I started working on myself that looking back now, I can't imagine what it must have been like to be with me when I was like him.
This man was insecure to a point of pain for others. He liked to play the martyr and try to get others to express their desire to care for him through dramatic moments that had he simply spoken up and/or taken care of himself, everything would have been fine. He didn't like to talk to others to express his needs and expected them to just "know" what he needed and offer it to him as an expression of love.
This man's presence in my life was one of the biggest moments of contrast I've ever experienced. I was frustrated with him because this was a grown-ass man (he was about 20 years older than me and I was in my 40s when we met). He wanted to play stupid games with me and tried to use guilt to make me express more love for him. But ultimately, those behaviors drove me away from him. I couldn't stand the sad eyes and crying that happened when I wouldn't let him guilt me into changing my routine for him. I hated that if he would have just said what was on his mind, I would have been able to meet the need he was wanting to have met. And I found it exhausting to be connected to someone so needy and yet so unwilling to express his needs.
As I said, looking back, I can see this relationship as a clear instance of contrast I was meant to learn from. I know I had exhibited all of these traits in one way or another with past partners. I'd withheld my needs and then built resentment when they weren't met. I'd use guilt to get a need met when all else failed. I expected to be included in a partner's routine, but I expected them to tell me where I fit, rather than just saying I wanted to do x, y, or z with the partner. And I'd watched those partners walk away from that abusive behavior before I figured out "what went wrong."
I ended that relationship as gently and kindly as I could, but I know that man was hurt by the end of our connection. I also knew I needed someone much healthier as a partner. I took that contrast and I learned from it. I saw my own behavior in him and I was suddenly fully aware of what it felt like to be on the receiving end of the kind of partner I had been for so much of my life. I shifted my focus from having my needs met in ways that made no sense to anyone but me and dedicated myself to becoming a better version of myself.
Now, I stop myself when I realize I'm being manipulative and using guilt to get my unspoken needs met. I force myself to speak up when I want something rather than waiting for a partner to notice I have a need and then do all the work to giving it to me. And I make it clear to my partners (past and future since that relationship) how I want to fit into their lives. I align my energy with being whole unto myself and in alignment with a partner who wants a whole person as their partner.
So, how can you use contrast to your advantage? There are three easy steps to using contrast to your advantage.
Recognize
Analyze
Align
First, stop yourself and recognize that when you are getting the opposite of what you say you want in your life, that is the universe giving you contrast. This was me realizing that I was getting partners who perfectly fit what I didn't want for myself in a soulmate partner.
Second, analyze what you can and should be learning from the contrast. This step helped me see myself in the "Mr. Wrong" partners and to see the lessons I needed to learn from them.
And finally, align your focus and energy in a more productive manner. Here is where I finally realized I needed to 1) change how I behaved in relationships and 2) stop focusing on the qualities I didn't want in partners and start being the qualities I did want in a soulmate partner.
Using these three, simple steps, you can start to put contrast to work for you in your life and soulmate journey.
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