Changed || discontinued

No Control

"You have absolutely no control over the behavior over others. If you can't control it, let it go" - Eve Adamson Ph. D

Matthew-

I feel like I should be talking about what's been going on in my life, who I have become, and what I have learned about myself now that me and Lucy are truly adults but honestly I don't even know the answer to those questions.

I don't know who I have become anymore. Sometimes I feel like the actual Matt that I know I am and other times I feel like this jealous angry Matt that I have somehow become.

It was two months ago when Lucy started to notice the changes and about 5 when I started to notice them. At first I didn't want to tell anyone that I had already been seeing a doctor about my disorder and that I had to take pills to control my two very different personalities. I felt like they would consider me a freak so I kept it to my self.And it worked until that day.

November 25th to be exact.

I was fine. I regularly took my pills before Lucy woke up and then casually came out of the bathroom going back to my daily routine every day: Wake up before Lucy, take pills, lie back down like nothing happened, wait till Lucy wakes up, then see where the day takes us.

I thought that it was going to be a normal day but when I came out of the bathroom Lucy was already up staring at me weirdly.

The way she looked at me made something in me spark. She now knew that took pills and that made me feel... mad. Before I know it I'm messing everything up in our room.

I remember screaming to Lucy that I'm not a freak and that I'm the same Matt as always. She understood that but I didn't at the time.

I felt like she thought that I wasn't normal anymore, like I actually was a freak.

Once I was done practically breaking everything that I saw in my path I went in the corner and just cried. Lucy came over and comforted me while weaving her hands through my hair and assuring me that she didn't think any differently of me.

I tried listening to her. I really did but the voices in my head told me other wise. They told me that she was lying, that she didn't care about me anymore. I tried to push my thoughts away like I always did but this time I just couldn't and as the voices became louder and louder I cried harder and harder.

I didn't want to be this way. To have to take medication and go to a therapist but that's what Lucy feels like I need so I'm doing it.

Even though the medication is somewhat helping I still have my outbursts here and there.

Lucy and I try to act like our lives are still perfectly normal but we both know that's not true. Ever since Lucy's dad has died I have been comforting her but now that I have my own problems I feel like I'm not taking care of her enough as her dad would've liked.

I feel like as the person who should be loving her the most right now, I'm not doing my job right.

I want to go back to the way things were and a part of me agrees but there's always that other part that defiantly says no. Right now that side is winning.

And that scares me.

So I decided to do something really different and if you were wondering yes this is the sequel to ' The Player' but I don't know I just wanted to do something different.

If you don't like it and feel like it offends you or anything like that then I can always just restart this book and change the theme of it but right now I'm really liking this.

What do you guys think?

Byee~ india 🙈🌚