Take Two

It wasn't the most ethical way to start a relationship but shit happens I guess. Just a few days earlier he told me he loved me, then we fucked on his brother's couch and he passed out my naked chest. Yet all I could think about was how different you might be. You were such a mystery to me, yet you felt like the closest thing I had to a home and I was intrigued. At that point though I didn't want commitment, I wanted fun. I wanted you. You seemed perfect for the role, the role I had created in my head: "PERFECT FRESHMAN FLING". You were so charming when you smiled, and when you winked at me I could feel my heart melt in your hands. But I wasn't looking for that mushy shit, I wanted a fling to get me back on my feet after a long run of failed relationships. Little did I know that wasn't you. That was who I painted you to be in my head, this shallow, playboy who I'd tell my daughters to avoid at school about in the future. In reality you were a person, a wholehearted person with scars. Scars you hid from the world behind that charming smile. You never let anyone breakthrough that wall you took years to build. But something kept pulling me towards you. Ever since that first kiss you were the only one on my mind and the only one in my heart. I was all yours. He may have had the label but you were the one who held me in your arms. Those first two months felt like they were playing at .25x speed and before I knew it I had "fallen" for you hard. I was head over heels in love with you, but I was too scared to admit it. I barely knew anything about you but I was certain that you would be my forever. I think the biggest thing holding me back was my heart wrenching fear of getting hurt by someone I felt so much love towards. I just couldn't bring myself to question you, yet I couldn't let myself trust you either.

The months that followed were more than perfect. Your presence alone made me happy. I would radiate in love and when March came around you said what I had been waiting so long to hear. I swear to you and all things living, my heart knew it was too good to be true. I felt my heart skip a beat, but now I know it was actually a jump of fear not excitement. My heart knew that this wasn't what you meant. When I'd close my eyes I'd see you with her and I'd wake up crying. I'd tell you about them and you'd tell me you found my imagination fascinating. I'd ask you if you would ever hurt me and you said never. You had painted yourself a world where you were in two. You didn't want to cause me pain yet you weren't being true to yourself. When that world started crumbling you resorted to more lies, until you got burned. You can't stop a fire with more fire my darling. I guess you learned that the hard way.

I gave you a choice and you chose. You chose to repent. You chose to ask for my forgiveness and try again. At the time I couldn't have cared less about what you chose because you hurt me in a way I didn't even know was possible. I was set on leaving you and leaving this chapter of my life hidden with my past. It was all a lie, the memories began to change and distort in my mind. The warmth died and the colors faded. Yet, I stayed. Why? Why did I decide to waste even one more second on someone like you? Honestly, I don't know but my heart knew and she decided for the both of us. Your eyes were different that night, the tears they shed showed the regret and guilt you had. They were captivating. The words you said that night were the most genuine letters you had uttered to me since that first kiss. You were honest and hurting. You were hurting for ever hurting me, you were hurting because you couldn't make the pain go away. You were hurting for so long and jumped into things you couldn't handle before healing yourself. I stayed to help you heal so we could try again. This time our words cut deeper than the surface. This time the tears we shed would be flooded with passion. This time we can paint together. This time we can try to win. This time it's: "TAKE TWO".