Darkness is swallowing me whole. All the voices constantly ringing in my ears, Yelling and commanding me to do things. The fear is what keeps me going, I'm scared that the moment I make it all shut up I wouldn't know what to do with myself. I've always been told what to do my entire life, it makes everything easier. I don't have to make decisions, I just have to follow them. All these thoughts rushing to my head as if they came out of the bottomless pit of my buried worries.
Days were getting shorter, As if I was forgetting parts of it. I'm always confused about where I am and what I'm doing. These damn drugs.
I was just laying in bed watching tik tok till i saw the news about the lockdown and covid. Aint no fucking way. School is starting monday. That means 1 more day until hell starts again. Fuck.
"You'll never guess what I've just read, Chatli!" I say panicking. "New tiktok drama?" Charli laughs as if im joking. "Lockdown is over and we have to go back to school on monday" I say trying to show her this is not a joke. "Is that a good thing or.." I didn't even let her finish before I started my rant. "It's fucking terrible!, Just think about all the parties and freedom we are gonna miss out on." Charli tries to continue the conversation but I get up to go for a smoke. I need one from all this stress.
Not to my surprise i see anika smoking a cone and i just rant to her about everything happening. Honestly I'm not ranting to her. I'm ranting to myself because I don't think she is all there at the moment. I might sound crazy but I promise I'm not. I just needed to release the frustration and anger in my chest. I shut up as soon as I hear charli coming around the corner to enter the shed. Anika finally notices me and charli sitting with her.
"Omg Charli do you want a cone?" Anika says excitedly laughing and passing Charli the bong. I started to rant again because I was still angry at the situation. "This should calm you down" Anika waves a joint in front of my face. I grab it without hesitation and go to reach for the lighter. "I gave that to you so you would stop talking, as in shut up isy. You have nothing to worry about, it's just school so take it one step at a time or fake it till you make it." Anika says, staring me down. What is she talking about, I didn't say anything out loud. She must be trippin, I try not to confuse myself more and light the joint to smoke.
*First day of school*
I don't exactly remember falling asleep but I'm not tired so I must have some time during the night. I pulled out my notebook and started to write my thoughts. I noticed charli starting to wake up to get ready for school. I felt her eyes on me but I didn't feel like talking to anyone today so I shut her out and continued to write shit. I looked at my phone and realised we were gonna be late on the first day back which wasn't unusual for us but I wanted my morning choof so I rushed to get ready and started walking to school with the girls.
I blocked everyone out by putting both my headphones in. The moment we reached the back gate I felt a lump in my throat. I swallowed it back down and continued to walk until we reached our friends. I look over at Charli and she is already having a conversation with Hayley who stood in front of Cadance and Maya. I saw Hayley looking at me so I quickly took out my headphones and listened to what she was about to say.
"Hey what's up with you loser?" Hayley says, smirking at me like I'm nothing. I didn't want to give in to her bullshit so I simply said "I just hate school." not making eye contact with anyone anymore. I felt her smirk grow wider as if she had just won our competition so I started to walk away until I heard her continue. "Well someones in a bad mood". I hated this. The feeling of losing. I turned around as I heard everyone laughing at Hayleys "joke". "Aren't you guys coming?" I say as if the laughing didn't bother me.
The day went as fast as it came and I opened my eyes to the noise of the lights signalling us to cross the road. I didn't feel like interacting with the girls but I haven't spoken much today so I might as well.
"Well it looks like I'm fucked until tomorrow" I say smiling and throwing my hands in the air for dramatic effect. Anika laughed at me, which made me happy. "Yeah but I still have one plus there is bud at home so we should be fine." I looked at both of the girls just enjoying this moment for a while.
