The Clueless Moments

Chapter 1

                                            ⚠️TW: Bullying, Hinting at Sexual harassment⚠️

I'm here. I've been here for a while now. I've felt like I haven't existed and that my presence couldn't be more obvious. I've played in the tall grass before. I've soaked up the rays of sun and smiled brighter than it. I still wonder where I'll go when I drift away. My consciousness has faded before, but it wasn't the forever type of fading away. I wonder. My name is Lara Jane Owens. I've been here for a while now.

I wake up in my room. That's a normal thing, I never feel any different. I wipe at my eyes. The final pieces of fuzziness clear away from them and I sit for a few moments studying everything. My dresser, the makeshift curtains I've had since I was six, the paint is still pealing off in that one corner, and my little shoe holder still hangs crooked on the door. Nothing different, not me and definitely not my room. I kick the blankets off my legs and sigh heavily. I smell funky bacon. I hear the sizzling and my stomach lightly turns. The clattering noises are soft, cautious. Wouldn't want to make mom up. I walk into the kitchen and see my little sister cooking for us again. "Did you check the date?" I say sitting down on the tilty stool. "Yeah, it's only a bit off. I need to go to the store today." She shimmies the pan and oil spatters onto her cheek. She doesn't even flinch, so calm and numb to it by now. It's kind of scary, but I still admire her strength, even if it's just oil. Oil can hurt. "I can go to the store for you. I know the counter guy is off." She slows her shimmying of the pan and I see her give an awkward smile. I know what he does. She shouldn't have to be put through that.

I return to my room after that interaction and start looking for something to wear. My old jeans are holding out, that one sweater is comfortable, and these shoes are still good. I put everything on and examine it all in the mirror. My jeans are cute and, not to be weird, but I like the way it fits. The sweater is just the right amount of oversized, so it doesn't show the things I like to hide and makes my chest more defined. My sneakers pull every color in and nail it down. I comb through my hair quickly and braid a tiny piece of it. I look pretty decent, so I run out to the bus. The neighbors were fighting again so I crept by their door, so they wouldn't bring me into it like they do. I don't mean to eavesdrop, it just happens. But the day the fights started, I could hear the change in their voices. They were fighting over his drinking. The painfully common thing that just pushes people out of their happiness. It's terrible, but through it all, every conversation and all the sniping words they shoot at each other, I know he still loves her. And she loves him. I can tell. I may be young, but I know it. They love each other and that's all there is to it.

The bus pulls up the school like usual and it roughly shakes to a stop. All the loud kids get off and I walk behind the line they've formed. Public school. Trust me, there's nothing wrong with going to a public school, this one is just not a good one. The place smells like privileged Christians and I'm religious, I don't see anything wrong with religious things and not being into that kind of thing, but this school pushes it on the kids. Whether they say they don't or not. The kids and staff bring it into everything. The kids are worse. I'm not popular, as you can tell. I prefer it this way, because of anxiety and I get judged for that as well. I think I'm just done with everything. Everything feels so heavy and I can't find someone who will help me carry it, but I have to be strong my sister. She shouldn't have to handle everything, she's only eleven anyways. I groggily walk into school and, like always, I don't turn any heads. The girls whisper about me as I walk by and the guys listen to what the girls are saying. I'm tired. They don't even know me and they still talk about my body and my face and my clothes. It's so stupid.

My classes slowly pass by, I eat lunch, and head to my next class. I was walking to my last period when this girl sticks out her arm and hits me in the stomach. I wheeze out and hit the ground roughly. She giggles to her friends and bends down to my very much in pain body. "You shook the whole school when you hit the ground, you whale," she says in my ear. She pulls the gum out of her mouth and shoves it all into my hair. I'm not going to be able to get that out easily. Her friends laugh amongst themselves and step over me to keep going. The last girl kicks me in the stomach as she steps over me. She was wearing those stubby boot things and they *really* hurt. I don't let a tear fall, though, I just breathe out and sit myself up. A teacher walks by and sees me in a heap on the floor, but she keeps walking. In fact, she looks at me in disgust.

I make it to the bathroom and try my best to get the gum out. I slick the piece of my hair with water and it just sticks to more strands. I have no other option but to cut that piece of my hair. I don't want to though. My mom will beat my ass for it, the kids will point and laugh even more then they do already, and I love my hair. I've grown it out for so long. I used to beg for a haircut, but we couldn't afford to go get it cut and didn't want to risk messing it up. I started to like it though. It came down to my hips, swaying gently when I walk. I love my hair. But I can't let my mom see me with gum in my hair, she'll kill me even if I didn't do it. I sigh and scrape at the gum with my scissors. It budges a bit and I get some small chunks to fall out, but it's still not enough. I separate my hair and cut the strands holding the gum in my hair. I start crying. The barrier breaks and let's the tears slip out in waves. I fall onto the floor and scoot into the corner, holding my tear stained face in my hands.

I sit there for what feels like forever. Girls walk in and out the bathroom as I sit there trying to calm down. I know I'll get yelled at for missing my last class, but I just can't right now. Then, I hear a voice. It sounds like a boy and I can tell he's at the bathroom entrance. He calls my name and I continue crying to myself. God, a boy is about to see me breaking down on a nasty floor. He walks into the bathroom and I jump. "You're not supposed to be in here," I say scooting myself closer to the wall. I think I was trying to push myself through the floor and out into the sky, but I'm average, I have no special power. He looks genuinely worried, though. His eyes don't look at me and see a disgusting monster. He slowly creeps over to where I'm sitting and sits down beside me. "Ms. Morganeelo told me to come look for you." He looks off into space as he says the words. I can tell he's trying to not stare at me, but I'm used to the stares. "Look, I can just tell her I couldn't find you, but you have to tell me if you're okay or not." He scoots around a bit. I can feel the uncomfortableness radiating off his pale skin. "I'm fine," I mumble, shoving my head into the little space I created between my knees and arms. He breathes out and finally looks at me. "I know you're not. I can see you. You don't have to tell me about it, but you need to get cleaned up." I can hear something in his voice. It's weird, unfamiliar. Why would he care, though? I must look crazy on the floor. He taps me on the shoulder and I hesitantly look at him. He smiles a smile that will come to haunt me, but melt me all the same.

To be continued....