Loneliness- this thing shouldn't even exist, it will suffocate anyone and everyone in this world. it will eat you alive and no one would even notice how much it's killing you- not until it's too late. My hands are shaking while writing this, I feel so weak. I've been crying this whole day, my tears won't stop, it's eating me from inside and it hurts but I feel like I lost my voice to scream for help.
I feel like this world is too loud for my silent screams to reach the other side of the room, even when I cry endlessly my tears seem invisible to this world, even when I cry and scream my voice is too quiet to reach their ears.
Somewhere between those dark vails, in the back of my head, I can hear someone whispering "I'm here for you" "I'm right here" I'm so sorry sir your voice is too faint and low and it's dark and loud in here could you repeat yourself? when your words finally did reach my ear why do they seem so unsure and empty? is it my fault? is it my wrong? I cry and cry and cry my tears seem endless and so is this emptiness.
I'm going crazy "Please save me" these three words left a bitter taste in my throat suffocating me leaving me light-headed. It feels as if this world has turned its back on me and plugged its ears. please don't do this to me.
Laying in my bed with teary eyes, I wonder, would tomorrow be a new day? would my suffering come to an end? it probably won't. I heard the clock tickle as my anxiety reaches its peak, I clasp my hands together and pray to my angel that tomorrow would be a little less painful and I would smile a little more and feel a little less lonely.
But then again who am I kidding? it has never been that way. I feel like running away but I can't see the end of the tunnel. Dear world, don't you think you're being a little too harsh on me?
to the person who can see my tears and hear my screams, I have something to say. I'm not okay, I'm in pain, I'm hurting, finally, I feel so grateful to be heard but could you please tell the universe that I'm losing it. Thank you.
I wrote this today while crying, I was this close to ending myself today and wrote this as this would be my last words but as I sat in my bathtub just staring into nothing I felt like I didn't have enough courage to do it so I was taking deep breaths telling myself that it's okay and THIS was okay that I've been strong this whole time and shit but when I finally slid myself under the water I realized that I didn't want to kill myself but I actually needed a warm hug. Sometimes everything will take a toll on you to the point where you'll feel like ending it but if you think about it you wouldn't actually want to kill yourself but you would want a hug and some positive affirmations from the person you love, take this from the person who almost ended herself today.
- Winter
