Diary

Entry 1: 2010

Dear Diary,

In life you just know that you are the second lead to someone’s life.

You wish it all from your heart but you never change the fact that you can’t make someone fall in love with you, you’ll never be the first and it will be hard to accept at first but you will eventually you'll come around to accept the harsh realities of life. The whys will keep you awake at night, you’ll curse your existence and breathing will become harder, because now, your heart weights half you body.

Adulthood will come and you’ll find yourself torn in three parts, you’ll try to find someone who will connect all three parts of yourself but then adulthood will strike you and you'll realize that you find one part in one person and the other in two different person, the amalgamation of the three is tough to find, so to prevent it from happening, you break your heart instead and live a divided life.

These observations are definitely not new nor clever, it’s just my mind trying to make sense of the unorderly. I didn’t witness any of the world wars, there’s nothing that connects me with the universe, the life I’ve lived and which I continue to live is not bad but yet living has been tough and love, was my saviour for a long time but then again adulthood came and the world told me to abandon it. I could die right now but I don’t feel close to the almighty that resides somewhere above. I don’t know how to connect with him, I was raised strictly in a Christian household but I in my heart abandoned him long ago in my childhood when my father became an alcoholic. I prayed everyday, like everybody asked me to, Children of God they said I was, If I was then why wasn't my prays heard? From a very young age, I didn’t feel closer to God, I self proclaimed myself as someone who was undeserving of his grace but I loved church. Back in my  hometown, you won’t believe Church was the Highlight of my week. Probably my first dream was to sing in the choir, I wanted to take part in the holy mass, but then it appeared like something that only grownups could do, You won’t believe that in school, maybe Class five that was, someone had to teach me how to make the sign of the cross, mind you I never missed a day at church yet I didn’t know the basics. But the real highlight was when I got to sit with my father doing church, he was really the sweetest, I used to mimic him, If he sat with his legs wide apart I would do it too and to make things interesting he used to give me money during mass offering, I could say it then that it was really the smallest things that brought joy to me, but not anymore. I have left that place, but the memories of that place run clear in my stream of memories. I have a lot of stories to tell. Would you like to hear? Would you? Tag along.