First things first; There is a common misconception about just what depression is. It is not a feeling of extreme sadness, nor would I consider it as an absent of 'feelings'. To describe depression with so few words is simply impossible. Depression is a complex disease that is not so easily categorized. Depression is a feeling of complete hopelessness; you are falling down a bottomless hole. You do everything to try to escape, you try to catch the wall, to call for help. Eventually, you are left with one simple fact; you are stuck. So, you cry. You scream. You hate that this is happening to you. You continue to fight it, you tell yourself that someone will come around and save you. But though people may yell encouraging words and happy smiles, you only feel as if they are mocking you. Taunting you because they are safe on the ground, and you falling.
Inevitably, you become tired. You don't cry or scream or beg anymore. You just hope that you'll hit the floor and it will all finally be over. But you never do. Being stuck in a state of utter hopelessness with no relief, is the worst feeling I have ever felt in my entire life. I look out at the world around me and all I see is a world I'm not meant for. I am stuck in some twisted version of Wonderland. The flowers don't sing, there are no smiling cats handing out riddles, and there is not even an evil queen to battle. There is no battle. You are just walking; endlessly. You keep moving but you're not really going anywhere. You want to stop and rest but your feet won't quit moving. You think to yourself constantly how much easier it would be if your foe was physical; you can fight an attacker, but what do you do when the one attacking you is your own mind?
I am still falling in the bottomless pit, I am still walking in a barren wasteland, unable to quit moving. And still, everyday, I hear these comments:
"Just keep trying!"
"You can do it!"
"You just need to get out of the house!"
"You should go work out with me, it'll make you feel better!"
"Happiness is a decision!"
Every time I hear these comments, I feel the urge to pull my hair out from the uselessness of it all. People claim to understand because they have experienced a downfall, a deep sadness.
Let me be clear; losing your job, getting a divorce, and losing a loved one does not automatically mean you are depressed. Sadness is not depression. Despair is not depression. Depression is wishing you were dead because the world has absolutely nothing left for you. Depression is wishing people would stop loving you so you could just waste away like you desperately want to. Depression is sleeping for 8-12 hours everyday and no matter what still feeling tired. Depression is being better acquainted with your computer screen than any living beings. Depression is closing the curtains on the morning sun because it is far too happy for you. Depression is knowing that exercising and getting out of the house would probably help, but you're just so fucking tired of trying. Depression is hating everything and everyone around but hating no one more than yourself.
Depression is the equivalent of having broken every single bone in your body. Despite this, the people around you ask you to get up, to move around, as if your bones are not rubble underneath your skin. Depression is being blind and people asking you to describe the ocean. Depression is being deaf and yet asked to play an instrument. Depression is being on your death bed, and everyone around you acts as if you're perfectly healthy.
It feels as if everyone around you is blind. You are losing a war, you are being beaten to a pulp, but everyone still believes you can win. You don't know if you're just a pessimist or if they're just too damn optimistic. You have a feeling it's the latter. No one realizes, that you were once just like them. You were that optimist that smiled and told everyone to keep trying, that truly believed the world was a wonderful place. No one realizes just how hard you fought to stay that way. You wanted to keep smiling, you wanted to laugh and be happy, if not for yourself than for the people you love. But you can only hold a sword for so long before it feels like you're holding the weight of the world.
I am a wounded soldier. I have fought and I have lost. I may still be alive but in my eyes I may as well be dead. I don't enjoy life. The world no longer seems so beautiful when you have stared out at a bloodstained battlefield, staring upon the dead bodies all around you. People tell me there is recovery. People tell me that if I just fight a bit longer, that the pain will end.
But I don't want it too. Not in the way you think. Sure, I want to get better. I want to be able to smile and be happy again. I want to enjoy everything the world has to offer. But I am dragging two broken legs across an endless field and just because you've seen a different side doesn't make it any easier for me. I understand that you have happiness, and trust me, I'm happy for you. But all I see is a dark abyss. I don't want to get better. Not on this Earth. As far as I'm concerned, nothing good is left here for me. When one is tired, one sleeps. And when sleep no longer quenches the exhaustion you search for much more permanent means.
You just don't want to feel tired anymore. And if that meant permanent departure from this world, then that didn't seem like too big of a price to pay.
Obviously, I have not crossed over. I don't think I will be anytime soon. Because though I may no longer be standing on the battlefield, I am still doing what a soldier does. I am fighting for my loved ones. Although every fiber of my being wants to sleep forever, although I desperately want this exhaustion to end, I can't quite be selfish enough to leave behind the ones I love to deal with my broken bits. I don't want to be the shattered glass that cuts them.
But make no mistake. Just because I am still here, doesn't I'm not still falling.
